The airport gods must hate me.

Seriously they must.

I am flying out on the red eye to return home after my west coast vacation and what am I told the moment I check in?

"You know your flight is delayed an hour and a half."

"huh?"

"You do know your flight is delayed an hour and a half?"

"How the fuck would I know that? Jetblue doesn't call me up directly with updates."

"I'm sorry ma'am (ma'am? ma'am?! now she is just fucking toying with me right? No way in hell I look like a fucking ma'am) there are thunderstorms, blabity blah blah (I stopped listening after she called me ma'am) just make sure you are at the gate by 11pm in case it comes in earlier. You are looking at an arrival time of 8:30 NYC time now."

You have got to be fucking kidding me. My plan was to land - on fucking time mind you - get home by 8 nap it up for 2 hours then get to the gym at noon for spin.

Now there will be no nap. And don't even fucking tell me to not go to spin. I haven't spun for a week and I'm about ready to kill myself or someone because of it I have totally gained 5 pounds on this vacation and am not happy about it.

So here I am at the bar (of course no cute bartender to flirt with like at JFK), prepared to blow out a million blog posts while I sip my drink. I am sure most of which (ok atleast one) will be involving the people that plop down at the bar since this is the only one at this airport (actually I don't know if this is entirely true but for damn sure its the first one you see when you come out of security.). Though the whole blogging will eventually turn out to be entertainment for you, I really would have preferred to be at the gate and getting on the plane in a half hour.

FML

They're Totally Lying to Us

Who you ask? the airlines, or more specifically the flight crew (that's in the know lingo for the pilots and stewardesses) on each and every flight we take, they are lying or a the very least alluding to something that is absolutely not true.

Let me explain as I'm sure your at the edge of your seat like I just told you I cracked the Lindbergh baby case.

You know how your not allowed to have your phone, laptop, iPod, basically any electronic devices on during take off and landing? Becuase it screws with the controls, well who really fucking knows what it is messing with we are just all under the impression if any of this crap is on we will crash and die.

or end up on lost which in my opinion would be fantastic. anywhoo I digress..

Well, well, well guess what? my iPhone was NOT in airplane mode AND I was listening to music the moment I got on the plane till I stepped off.

So what the fuck?? why make us suffer without music or entertainment when we are sitting on the runway for what could be an hour or more to take off or for the last 20 minutes of the flight during the descent?

Because they are assholes that's why. Correction, they are assholes with a little bit of power over you and are miserable themselves so they want to make you miserable too.

But we all let them be assholes and make us miserable right? Why? because we are afraid that if our seat isn't upright, our tray table isn't in the lock position or we have our phone on they will send the US marshall after our ass and we will be put on the no fly list.

They can go to hell, I say. Lets all band together on this one. I betcha if every single person on every single flight got together and blatantly disobeyed the flight crew they would have no choice but to get rid of that stupid rule. It could be a modern day hands across America or some shit like that.

But your not going to do it are you? You're gonna pussy out right? Of course you are.

I don't know why I bother.

Reasons to fly first class

Listen I know its pricey but there are a few things you need you know before you turn your nose up at this post. Now yes I fly first class but I do not travel often and I book my trips waaaaayyyy in advance so they are cheaper and by the time I leave for the trip its paid for (its paid for cause i’m smart and fucking pay it off its not by magic fyi.).

Also, if the flight is under 3 hours and jet blue goes to said destination direct I will fly jet blue.

So don’t judge me. Thats my job.

Anyhooo I digress. Reasons to fly first class.... here we go:

1- you do not get charged for extra checked luggage
2- if your checked luggage is over 70lbs you don’t get charged
3- Sometimes first class gets its own security line
4- First class lounge
5- You board first and get off first
6- Your checked luggage usually comes off first
7- Your own bathroom
8- wide comfortable seats
9- Constant drinks and food

You do not pay extra for any of these amenities listed above. You of course pay for them when you buy your ticket. But as we all know from riding in coach its worth it. If for any reason you are not getting the above treatment well then your probably pissing people off - people as in ALL the airline employees. People that fly first class do have the power to be bitchy but if you don’t it goes a long way. A few please’s, thank you’s and smiles and they will look the other way when your piss ass drunk or pretty much let you do whatever you want.

Case in point:

I Flew from San Jose to NYC today. When I checked in I was told my bag was over the required 70 (it was 74 - I bought about 15 lbs in clothes in Santa Cruz) but that was ok since I was first class. My luggage also got the “priority sticker” when I asked what that was I was told it was because I was in first class. (score!). When I flew from Charlotte to San Jose (people please! I am not from Charlotte I was just visiting there - family and 24 year olds) there was the first class only security line. And right now as I write this I am full on a Cobb salad, heated roll a really good fucking brownie with oreo’s baked into it on top and 2 glasses of wine.

My goal is to get another brownie and 2 more glasses of wine. Even though my tummy hurts (i’m pretty fucking full!). Fuck it I paid a shitload for this airfare. Gotta get my money’s worth. Well....maybe just more wine. I’ll take the brownie to go.