Only me.

Now see, the reason why I always have some story to tell is because I can not and will not keep my mouth shut. Nuh-uh not me. Why should I? I kept my mouth shut for 10 years and besides, if I did the world would be a less exciting place (in my opinion mind you) and plus you wouldn't have these fantastic posts to laugh at.

I love Sunday mornings, you sleep in, go to the gym, pick up the paper and its quiet. The city is quiet Sunday mornings, and its nice, because everyone is sleeping in. Except....tourists.

I was under the impression that there would be no more tourists since its September and its back to work and school...but oh no, not in my neighborhood. The tourist population has lessened but there are still many stragglers. And a family of stragglers totally pissed me off and felt my wrath. I gave them true New York. In effect I gave them a story worthy to tell their friends.

So, I slept in a little, worked from home and then was off to spin for 11. Had a great spin, picked up the paper and hopped on the train to go home so that I can get ready for my party. I was in really good spirits considering the weather (spin can do that for you) and am walking down Fulton street and all I see are tourists. Whatever, I put on game face and just start plowing through as I have no patience for people just standing in the middle of the fucking sidewalk. I of course have my headphones on, blasting a new Kayne remix but I have super human hearing (one of two super powers I possess) and was able to hear the following exchange between a woman and her son:

"Watch out Tommy that's a New Yorker, get outta her way."

"Wow do you know she's a New Yorker mom?"

"Easy, look at her she is unhappy."

I could have let that go, but why should I? Who the fuck is she saying I am unhappy? And should this child think his whole life that if you are a New Yorker your unhappy? I think not. Again, yes I could have kept my mouth shut but fuck that, I'm not unhappy. I'm just pissed your in my way fat ass.

And that's exactly what I told her. I whipped around, ripped off my headphones and unleashed a tirade on this woman.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm not un-fucking-happy! And how dare you talk some shit like that? Telling your kid being a New Yorker equals unhappiness! I might not be smiling right now, but I'm plenty happy, happier than you are fat ass. And the reason why I look pissed is because your fat ass decided to stop and stand in the middle of the fucking street like a god damned retard! So yea get the fuck out of my way. Oh and Tommy is it?"

"ummm yes ma'am."

"Oh honey, I'm not a ma'am yet, your mother yes, me no. I love your sneakers (he was wearing the cutest plaid converse) and be advised that New Yorkers - this one in particular are very happy. Remember, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, and I think when you apply for college you should apply to NYU, or another NYC school, you'll love it here and it'll probably piss your mother off royally."

"NYU, I will remember that! thanks lady! You are nice!"

"Thanks kid." I then turned and look at his mother who was still getting over the foul mouthed tirade I just unleashed on her and said "put that in your pipe and smoke it."

See I'm nice to kids. Its just their idiot parents that annoy the fuck out of me.

I couldn't make this shit up even if I tried.

Sigh. Why does this always happen to me?

I was stepping onto the train today and some guy says hello to me - a fat ugly guy to be exact - I rudely ignore him and sit down. Mother fucker then has the balls to sit down next to me and seductively say "you know that's technically not a shirt your wearing."

WTF?

Side note, I am wearing a fucking shirt. A loose tank top that has big open arm holes. So yes you see some side of skin and bra and I usually do wear a tank top underneath but its hot as balls out and well I don't give a fuck. I'm covered.

I respond "well technically your a fat fuck who has no business talking to me. Say another word and I will cut out your tongue."

Granted my response took this little exchange to the next level. But I was right - he had no business talking to me. And I had to shut this shit down completely. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous but I definitely can do better than some fat ugly balding nerdy guy. I can and I do thank you very much. It just really annoys me that some people think its ok to just come up and talk to you out of no where. No - what really annoyed me was that this fuck thought for some reason I might have giggled and flirted back. Even if it he was hot that is some random, lamo BS to say to a girl and I would have probably just rolled my eyes and said "that's nice."

Now after I slammed him with my witty come back I new there could have been trouble. He wasn't happy but what ensued probably saved me from getting slapped. Every single person on the train started hysterical laughing. Which caused him to get up an sulk away.

Listen up people! Don't try to catch a fish that is way out of your league It's never going to happen unless you have lots of money, then all you catch is a gold digging whore with herpes.