Did I ever tell you the story....?

Of when I thought a guy I was dating was going to kill me? No? Really? huh. Well here it goes....

This happened on Halloween weekend (I know I know..it's been too long of me not blogging, sorry, with the dating and the new job and the sex....well you know...)

It was the day after Halloween, and this guy I was dating for a bit wanted me to come over for dinner and spend the night. Granted he lives in the UES (ick) but I work with a girl that lives two blocks away and we were going to commute in, plus, he spent many a night at my place so I was returning the favor.

I arrived and we...you know (I mean the sexual chemistry between us was insane, we couldn't not be in each others presence for more than 5 minutes without tearing off each others clothes) afterward he said, "when you have a sec come down and look at the menu and I will order food." No problem, I go downstairs and he is placing the order online. Now he picked this place because I requested for dinner a salad and fries (what better dinner?) I go on the site and the following ensues:

"hmmmm, they don't have fries.."
"They don't?"
"No, it's cool I will just get a quesadilla instead."
"Watch out let me look."

Now I'm like, "dude i'm not an idiot, I practically invented the interweb" but I don't say anything. He then accepts the fact that there is no fries and then says:

"What do you want to drink?"
"Nothing, tap water is fine."
"K, I want a bottled water, hmmmm why is there no drinks listed?"
"Really? That's weird."
"Yea."
"Well maybe there is something wrong with the site. Why don't you give me the number and I will call them and place the order?"
"No." (not very nice btw)
"Huh? Whaddya mean? Its no biggie I'll just call them and place it and they will have bottled water, its probably the site."

He looked up from the computer screen and gave me a look that no man has ever given me (even my ex when I would verbally eviscerate him) one that clearly sent alarm bells screaming "get out! get out of this house!" the moment we locked eyes. That this man wanted to punch me in the face. Now you may say a punch? Well that's hardly killing you...well that's up for discussion, if a guy hits me I am hitting the ground and cracking my head open, so death, yea that's pretty close. After I got the death look he responded "I. fucking. said. no."

Weird right?? Granted I saw some aggressive behavior in bed (who doesn't like that? Tell me? None you reading this) but out of bed, not hot at all.

"okaayyy."

I quietly went upstairs and starting getting dressed. He comes up and is all "what are you doing?" I am now in survival mode, not giving him my back, watching his every move, trying to not make any false moves and being calm. I respond "ooh just getting dressed....whats your problem?"

I am then told the following in no particular order: "this is my house and my rules and if you don' like it go, you were being a complete and utter bitch downstairs, oh don't give me your tears (I admit I did start crying. Why? well fucking duh, tears are the best weapon against a guy and I seriously thought I was not making it out of that house alive) "go ahead say something stupid to ruin this, blah blah blah."

He goes downstairs, I finish getting dressed and hightail it out of there. Literally ran down the stairs without my shoes - I didn't want him catching me.

Now the story doesn't end there. A week later at 8:00am I get the following text:

"Missing your hot little cunt"

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. I of course do not let this go. You who know me know I must get in the last word. The following texting ensued:

"That's nice. get used to missing it because you're never seeing it again."
":'("
"you can't actually be surprise by my response considering how you treated me the last time I saw you."
"You were a total bitch the last time you saw me. You were in a bad mood walking in the door. Should have fucked you harder."

AGAIN. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

"I was not a total bitch and you treating me like a fucking asshole and being a dick because I offered to call the restaurant and place the order is uncalled for. I see you as a narcisstic controlling as who thinks women have no right to disagree or have their own opinion and want nothing to do with you do not contact me again."

Pretty clear right? Apparently not. Which brings me to the reason why I am posting this now....Mother fucker texted me last week!

"Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't get what I wanted as a present."
"really."
"really :'("
"I don't even know how to respond to this."
"You can respond by saying that you will give me my present."
"Or I can remind you of the fact that your an asshole and want nothing to do with you especially because you have yet to apologize for being a shit to me."
"I'm sorry for being a shit to you baby."

Now, how fucked am I that at that point I wasn't like....well.....Why you ask? Because he's an asshole, and at the end of the day I like assholes...its easier. No strings and some hope they will change but you know they won't and you really don't want a relationship...ugh whatever it makes sense in my head... Steve anyone? (That one's for you Alicia). But don't worry I put the kibosh on this shit. I do have moments of clarity and sanity...

"That's nice. I thought I was clear when I said do not contact me again. At this point I view this as harassment and all the men in my family that are cops will have no problem harassing you at both your home and office."

I don't think I will hear from him again. Maybe, hopefully...not.

No title for this post needed.

My boyfriend Ernie (who's a cat BTW) is playing with a ponytail holder causing a ruckus.

My Aunt looks up to see what he is doing.

"He's playing with a ponytail holder." I state

"Oh how I wish I could be so easily entertained."

"You know, I equate men to cats. I just give them a little something to play with for a moment and they are entertained. There is no need for them to think."

That was a nice long laugh we had.

I couldn't make this shit up even if I tried.

Sigh. Why does this always happen to me?

I was stepping onto the train today and some guy says hello to me - a fat ugly guy to be exact - I rudely ignore him and sit down. Mother fucker then has the balls to sit down next to me and seductively say "you know that's technically not a shirt your wearing."

WTF?

Side note, I am wearing a fucking shirt. A loose tank top that has big open arm holes. So yes you see some side of skin and bra and I usually do wear a tank top underneath but its hot as balls out and well I don't give a fuck. I'm covered.

I respond "well technically your a fat fuck who has no business talking to me. Say another word and I will cut out your tongue."

Granted my response took this little exchange to the next level. But I was right - he had no business talking to me. And I had to shut this shit down completely. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous but I definitely can do better than some fat ugly balding nerdy guy. I can and I do thank you very much. It just really annoys me that some people think its ok to just come up and talk to you out of no where. No - what really annoyed me was that this fuck thought for some reason I might have giggled and flirted back. Even if it he was hot that is some random, lamo BS to say to a girl and I would have probably just rolled my eyes and said "that's nice."

Now after I slammed him with my witty come back I new there could have been trouble. He wasn't happy but what ensued probably saved me from getting slapped. Every single person on the train started hysterical laughing. Which caused him to get up an sulk away.

Listen up people! Don't try to catch a fish that is way out of your league It's never going to happen unless you have lots of money, then all you catch is a gold digging whore with herpes.