Did I ever tell you the story....?

Of when I thought a guy I was dating was going to kill me? No? Really? huh. Well here it goes....

This happened on Halloween weekend (I know I know..it's been too long of me not blogging, sorry, with the dating and the new job and the sex....well you know...)

It was the day after Halloween, and this guy I was dating for a bit wanted me to come over for dinner and spend the night. Granted he lives in the UES (ick) but I work with a girl that lives two blocks away and we were going to commute in, plus, he spent many a night at my place so I was returning the favor.

I arrived and we...you know (I mean the sexual chemistry between us was insane, we couldn't not be in each others presence for more than 5 minutes without tearing off each others clothes) afterward he said, "when you have a sec come down and look at the menu and I will order food." No problem, I go downstairs and he is placing the order online. Now he picked this place because I requested for dinner a salad and fries (what better dinner?) I go on the site and the following ensues:

"hmmmm, they don't have fries.."
"They don't?"
"No, it's cool I will just get a quesadilla instead."
"Watch out let me look."

Now I'm like, "dude i'm not an idiot, I practically invented the interweb" but I don't say anything. He then accepts the fact that there is no fries and then says:

"What do you want to drink?"
"Nothing, tap water is fine."
"K, I want a bottled water, hmmmm why is there no drinks listed?"
"Really? That's weird."
"Yea."
"Well maybe there is something wrong with the site. Why don't you give me the number and I will call them and place the order?"
"No." (not very nice btw)
"Huh? Whaddya mean? Its no biggie I'll just call them and place it and they will have bottled water, its probably the site."

He looked up from the computer screen and gave me a look that no man has ever given me (even my ex when I would verbally eviscerate him) one that clearly sent alarm bells screaming "get out! get out of this house!" the moment we locked eyes. That this man wanted to punch me in the face. Now you may say a punch? Well that's hardly killing you...well that's up for discussion, if a guy hits me I am hitting the ground and cracking my head open, so death, yea that's pretty close. After I got the death look he responded "I. fucking. said. no."

Weird right?? Granted I saw some aggressive behavior in bed (who doesn't like that? Tell me? None you reading this) but out of bed, not hot at all.

"okaayyy."

I quietly went upstairs and starting getting dressed. He comes up and is all "what are you doing?" I am now in survival mode, not giving him my back, watching his every move, trying to not make any false moves and being calm. I respond "ooh just getting dressed....whats your problem?"

I am then told the following in no particular order: "this is my house and my rules and if you don' like it go, you were being a complete and utter bitch downstairs, oh don't give me your tears (I admit I did start crying. Why? well fucking duh, tears are the best weapon against a guy and I seriously thought I was not making it out of that house alive) "go ahead say something stupid to ruin this, blah blah blah."

He goes downstairs, I finish getting dressed and hightail it out of there. Literally ran down the stairs without my shoes - I didn't want him catching me.

Now the story doesn't end there. A week later at 8:00am I get the following text:

"Missing your hot little cunt"

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. I of course do not let this go. You who know me know I must get in the last word. The following texting ensued:

"That's nice. get used to missing it because you're never seeing it again."
":'("
"you can't actually be surprise by my response considering how you treated me the last time I saw you."
"You were a total bitch the last time you saw me. You were in a bad mood walking in the door. Should have fucked you harder."

AGAIN. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

"I was not a total bitch and you treating me like a fucking asshole and being a dick because I offered to call the restaurant and place the order is uncalled for. I see you as a narcisstic controlling as who thinks women have no right to disagree or have their own opinion and want nothing to do with you do not contact me again."

Pretty clear right? Apparently not. Which brings me to the reason why I am posting this now....Mother fucker texted me last week!

"Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't get what I wanted as a present."
"really."
"really :'("
"I don't even know how to respond to this."
"You can respond by saying that you will give me my present."
"Or I can remind you of the fact that your an asshole and want nothing to do with you especially because you have yet to apologize for being a shit to me."
"I'm sorry for being a shit to you baby."

Now, how fucked am I that at that point I wasn't like....well.....Why you ask? Because he's an asshole, and at the end of the day I like assholes...its easier. No strings and some hope they will change but you know they won't and you really don't want a relationship...ugh whatever it makes sense in my head... Steve anyone? (That one's for you Alicia). But don't worry I put the kibosh on this shit. I do have moments of clarity and sanity...

"That's nice. I thought I was clear when I said do not contact me again. At this point I view this as harassment and all the men in my family that are cops will have no problem harassing you at both your home and office."

I don't think I will hear from him again. Maybe, hopefully...not.

So I guess we are just letting them do whatever they want now?

So I have seen/encountered a few disturbing/annoying things amongst the children of the corn this week...and I felt the need to say a few things about each experience..

1. I was walking through the park to work the other morning and there is a field where a day camp is held - I think its a city run program who knows - and there is a kid running around with a plastic bag over his head! A plastic fucking bag! Over his whole head! What the fuck!? Can't that kill this kid? And there were counselors all over the place not saying anything. I was going to, but then I figured, eh, maybe he was to kill himself who am I to stop him.

2. Last weekend while I am walking down the street to my apartment, there is a kid on the sidewalk walking with her parents about to cross the street (then subsequently crosses) with no shoes on. No shoes! Seriously, um there is piss and shit and probably the clap all over the streets and sidewalks of NYC. Not to mention needles, tacks, sharp objects, etc. Yea so don't be surprised when you kid gets fucking tetnus, ringworm, hep A or C you fucking idiot. What she didn't want to wear shoes? So we will just playcate to her? Smart.

3. In the elevator of my building this group of people and their devil spawn get on. This 4 year old? Maybe 5? No 4, proceeds to start hitting all the buttons. There are 15 fucking floors in my elevator. These parents are not stopping her. I say "Are you kidding me right now? Stop that!" Of course the kid stopped, shocked at someone snapping at her. Her parents say "oh she likes pressing the buttons." "Yea?" I reply "Well I don't feel like stopping at every fucking floor. And its rude for you to let her do that" I don't think they appreciated my tone or dropping the F-bomb. But I could have cared less. I hope that little shit was saying fucking every 30 seconds that day.

People, listen up. You need to discipline your child. They should be seen and not heard. If they start throwing a tantrum in a restaurant go outside because I don't want to hear that shit. Children are not the boss. Adults are. Remember how our parents didn't take our shit? Yea you need to be like that. Because if you wont I will.

And then your child will be throwing F-bombs all day long.

Funniest Shit I heard all day

"You touch her again I'll fucking kill you."

Now, I will explain why this is so funny so you don't think that I think killing is funny.

I am on my way home today on the C train (which is short hand for Crazy train) and all of a sudden I hear "You touch her again I'll fucking kill you." I turn my head super quick, expecting to find out some guy mistakenly macked on a gang banger's girlfriend.

Boy was I wrong.

The above statement was said by some crazy as hell drunken black man (well most likely more drunk than crazy) to a unsuspecting white kid - who was touching his own girlfriend!

Crazy man got up out of his seat staggered across to the couple shook his paper in the kid's face and then threatened him with death. If - IF the kid touched his own girlfriend. He then staggered back to his seat (a fantastic feat considering he was on the verge of blacking out and the train was actually moving fast for a change) and proceeded to death look the kid the entire time (that is in between his eyes forcibly closing on him.)

(side note: I say kid but he was probably 25... to me that's a kid)

Everyone on the train stopped what they were doing immediately and were silent. The kid looked like he was going to pee his pants - i think he did a little. Seriously he was fucking scared shitless...the fear of death was clear on his face. The girlfriend was going to actually say something (what the hell was she going to say I wonder?) but he quickly stopped her. I don't think he was a fan of possibly dying this night.

What did I do? I laughed out loud. I nice hearty HA-HA! The whole scene was ridiculously funny - to me at least. That caused everyone to look at me thinking I was next to get a death threat or maybe even get killed.

Not so people, crazy man looked up at me and slowly, he smiled...then looked away towards his prey to continue on with the death stare.

It was completely and utterly genius.