How can I make this work?

Anyone know how I can get a hot latin guy from Jersey to come all the way to Long Beach via the PATH then LIRR just to makeout? Anyone else I got right now I would have no choice but to bang (and I can't really do that with Grandma in the house visiting from Cali)

I think this qualifies as a preposterous quagmire.

oh p.s. I taught him how to text dirty (see post lower down the line) he is still getting the hang of it, not that original but its a start.

Dried up like a cornflake

The above picture is of your typical group of Long Island Guys.

Last night me and a few members of my family went out in Rockville Centre - which for you asshats out there is IN Long Island.

Yea that above picture is is what I was looking at or dealing with or night. Long Island guys are in a sense like Brooklyn guys. I deem them "Guido Lite" same bad taste just less filling.

My Aunt says that these guys make your puss puss "dry up like a cornflake"

She's right. If I had to deal with this on a daily basis I would never have sex and it would dry up like a cornflake.

I have no idea how the girls here stand it. Well I guess they lived with it so long they accept their fate. Though most of them are the female version of them. They're just "Guidette Lite" same bad taste with no filling.

hats off to them

Oh geez.

Question: what is the point of texting boys if it's not dirty?

Answer: None.

I'm sorry but if I want to have a conversation with you, I'll call you on the fucking phone and chat about my hopes and dreams. Texting needs to be dirty, so you both get all hot and bothered for the next time you see each other...(single life lesson #355 people.) Either that or to confirm plans or set a date and that should be super quick then get dirty.

So I'm texting you back and forth and its boring (how are you, blah blah, happy thanksgiving, blah blah), at the same time texting dirty (real dirty) with someone else. So I tried to get a little frisky just to feel you out, see where your at...what do I get? Haha your crazy.

Jesus guy, your not my boyfriend, though you want to be, your not. This is sex, dinner first with you but still sex. If you can't keep me hot inbetween the times I see you then you can't handle it..ugh now I have to have that uncomfortable conversation.

Thanks alot douche.

Whoever said latin guys are hot (meaning personality not looks) doesn't know what the fuck they are talking about.

Biscuit Debacle

Can someone tell me what is the sense of Thanksgiving (oh Happy Thanksgiving!) without fucking biscuits??? None that's what.

Every Thanksgiving I have a teeny bit of turkey, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy and a biscuit or two. The flaky layer kind. I make mashed potatoes sandwiches with the potatoes and gravy. EVERY YEAR. This is at my moms house. EVERY YEAR.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING TRYING TO NOT MAKE BISCUITS THIS YEAR?!?!?!?!

I say "what about the biscuits?" She's looks at me like she is about to cut me with the carving knife. Like i'm asking for a side of crack with my gravy.

Maybe the mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows put her over the edge. I don't know. But I tell you this....I got my fucking biscuits.

preposterous

Linda (my aunt) was on the phone with Loren (my uncle) and he used this above word "preposterous." Now I was 3 drinks in so I don't remember the context, though I'm sure it was about me and my escapades.

Now I usually say "fucking crazy" as in "that's fucking crazy!" but from here on in i'm gonna say: "That's preposterous!"

It makes me sound smart.

I would have said: STFU

So apparently Mr. Tom Cruise (aka Katie oops Kate Holmes) went to see New Moon over the weekend. And talked the entire time.

Check it:

"Katie talked through all of 'New Moon,'" griped the spy. "It was unbelievable – they talked nonstop about the movie and everything else."

But she is in NYC watching New Moon, the crazy hardcore Manhattan twi-hards wouldn't stand for that. Or would they?

Check it:

"Some people wanted to tell them to be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent," the source said. "No one wanted to shush Katie."

What the fuck? No one wanted to shush her? Who the fuck is she? I don't care who the fuck it is, it could have been the President. I would have gotten up and said : Excuse me, but could you please shut the fuck up? Great thanks.

I don't know if I believe this story, I mean yea I can see her talking through an entire movie (lord know Tommy girl doesn't let her speak at home) but I can't see NYC twi-hards not saying anything, especially if she was talking during a scene with Edward..oh my Edward!

Jesus Christ

One fucking post about Crocs and now there is advertising on my site for crocs????!!!!!! WTF? I swear to god anyone who wears them should be shot.

Quagmire

My aunt just said that word. I kinda like it. I usually say "pesky predicament" but I think I am going with quagmire from here on in...

lord knows I just got myself into one...what? he's hot and latin...what was I supposed to do?

Oh middle America

Stop freaking out about Adam Lambert. Like you didn't know....HE'S GAY. He's gay you ask? Yes he's gay. He kisses boys, he entertains you with his American idol like pop music. He fakes fellatio on the AMA's...Like TOTALLY GAY.

Why are you freaking out? So he kissed a boy (and he liked it! maybe the other guy tasted like cherry chapstick?) Be more pissed about the fact that his voice sucked, that the song is mediocre and that the performance was all over the place.

Get a grip people, you liked it when Madonna kissed Britney and Christina. Yes, yes I know girls kisses are hot but puh-leeze its 2009 some men like to fuck eachother.

Get the fuck over it. I'm sick of fucking hearing about it.

Oh and P.S. gay community, Adam is not a good representative for you, he was on American Idol and more importantly I think he is an idiot and went the totally wrong way with his album. Just sayin'

I got gaga tickets and you don't

That's right you heard me. I got tickets to Lady Gaga and you didn't. Yes you. I was one of the lucky ones who was able to take over ticketmaster and get a set of tix for the last show in NYC. Or I should say the best show of her entire tour.

So eat it bitches.

I better fucking win

Listen, i'm in second place right now in my fantasy league. I'm winning by 13 points this week. But the guy im going against has Ray Rice going tonight.

I swear to fucking god, if that mother fucker goes off and I lose, someone's gonna get hurt.

Just saying.

Yea this is a mean one

Well not mean, but people might think this is wrong of me. Its about the woman who got her face ripped off by her friends pet chimp.

She is now making all the morning show TV rounds. Oh and Oprah. I think Oprah was first (but of course)

Ahh, how do I say this delicately? Well, there is no quality of life there. At all. No eyes, no face no hands. I saw a picture of her in the NY Post and man I will have nightmares about that for a while. I know I wouldn't want to live like that. I kinda don't think its fair to anyone to live a life like that.

And yes I know there will be people saying, oh well she's alive, blah, blah, your a fucking asshole, blah blah. Yea I am. I don't deny it. But at the end of the day look at a picture of her realize that her daughter will have to take care of her the rest of her life and really think and decide if its worth it.

Cause sometimes, its not.

Why the fuck is she still in the news?

When this poor excuse for a women and pepaw lost the election, I figured I would never, ever, EVER, have to hear that annoying voice again. Or hear her stupid ideas.

Well, apparently I was wrong. (It happens on occaision, hey im human right?)

Why the fuck is this bitch coming out with a book? On Oprah? Why do I have to turn on the news or open up the paper and see this pitbull with lipstick? (oh and btw a pitbull in lipstick is prettier)

People, wake up!! She's like the Paris Hilton of politics. Not worthy of any attention or media.

We all remember the Katie Couric interview, Palin is saying that she was railroaded. By Katie fucking Couric?? Bitch please. You sealed your own fate when you you couldn't come up with ONE FUCKING NEWSPAPER THAT YOU READ.

Not one, not even say the New York Times, Or USA fucking Today that is in every hotel room in the country every morning. Let me list some reading material for you:

NYT, NYP, NYDN, NYO, The Boston (ICK) Globe, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Chicago Tribune, The Miami Hearald, Time Magazine....shall I go on?

And no I didn't have to do any fucking research to list those papers. I know them all, have read them all, and i'd be the last person running for VP of the USA.

You're a backwoods cuntry (pun inteded) class A asshat fucktard. Get the fuck out of the spotlight and be the pussy that you are and hunt from a helicopter.

Wow, that rant felt good. What the fuck have I been doing not posting the last month?? Oh well yea...

I didn't want to come home

Very rarely, well never have I left my sweet little life in Brooklyn on a trip and wasn't happy to come home. Didn't practically kiss the piss infected streets of NYC upon my arrival, or frankly just didn't want to leave a place.

Then this weekend happened. I went to Charlotte, NC. To visit my cousin Mark (what's up MARK?!?!)

Now yes you might say, WTF? really? You didn't want to leave Charlotte? Yea thats right I didn't want to leave.

Why? Well, it was nice. And not nice like a puppy is nice. Nice in the sense that I could live there. Me, the one who would swear up and down I would never leave Brooklyn would live there.

Its clean, its pretty. God damn the air is fucking amazing. And the people, well at least the people I met were fun, cool, dished out no drama whatsoever and just good down to earth people. People that become your friends but are really family.

And fuck its mid November and 75 degrees. I should have brought my bathing suit to work on my tan. You know my skinny ass hates the cold.

So a quick little shout out to everyone I met this weekend: Darryl, Mike, Alex (mmmmmm) and his brother Mike, first Mike's cousin (I forget his name, hey I was wasted Friday night) David (I think that was his name, ha!) Melissa, Camille, everyone I met at Fairview grill. Ya'll are good people, take care of my cousin while i'm gone.

The only drawback? The water, oh jesus christ the water sucks huge dick (and speaking of...well thats a story for another time) I had to boil the water just to drink it, I think they get it from Mexico or something.

And thats the last nice post you will get out of me.

Yea Yea Yea

Yes I know I haven't posted in a while, and for the 2 of you that read this shit, well i'm sorry. But I think I have said before I have been dealing with some shit. And no its none of you business.

But i'm back bitches. So watch out fucktards and asshats. I'm onto you and raring to go.

Hence the picture of the sun, sunny days are here again for me, which mean a rain of my wrath is gonna fall down upon you.