I can't believe this is true

I read in the elevator today (on the little TV from captivate) that 58% of women would give there phone number to an average joe if there is romantic music playing.

Ok, now, when I hear the term "average joe" I think ugly. And no amount of romantic music in the world would get any woman to give her number to an "average joe." Seriously. Furthermore, I would assume this would go on in a bar, and bars aren't normally playing romantic music.

What bars do though is serve alcohol. Lots of it. So I am thinking that what this should have said is:

58% of women would give there phone number to an average joe if they are drunk, or 2 drinks away from drunkdom.

The only time music would be a factor is if said woman and average joe are at a rave and she is on 2 tabs of X.

Get with it captivate.

If you don't want to hear the answer

Don't ask me the fucking question.

Don't ask me if you should date a married man, because the answer is going to be a big hell to the fucking no.

This is the question that was asked to me at the gym today. From a woman that is always in the locker room when I am getting ready after spin chatting about her love life. The woman is a serial dater, constantly trying to find Mr. Right. Going on dating sites (i think she is on 3 of them), begging friends and family to set up up with men, etc, etc.

She was talking about this one guy and her friends were like, "no, no, no.."

Curious I pop my head over to where they are and say "so what loser did you date now?" She proceeds to give me the full details on him - he sounds pretty great..then she tells me he's married...pfft. Idiot.

"What do you think? Should I date him?"

I explain, no you can't do that. How can you even ask that question thinking any woman would support you? That is disrespectful to woman everywhere. Yes all is fair in love and war, but once someone gets married they are off limits (yes sometimes fiances are fair game), think about the other woman would you want that to be you? A random fuck maybe, but a relationship??

I was told then, "well he is leaving his wife for me! You don't understand!"

I stared blankly for a second, a long second, let her suck in my "your a fucking idiot" face. I then replied "enjoy a relationship of secrets and misery, hiding and hotel rooms, to eventually be left on the side of the road when he tells you he is staying with his wife. That is what pretty much always happens."

The response I got was classic: "bitch."

"That may be true, but I rather be a bitch than a fucking moron who is a disgrace to women everywhere, dontcha think? If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask me the fucking question."

One less person to say hello too. So sad.

Stupidest conversation I heard all week

Now yes it is early in the week so I am sure that I will overhear something stupider at some point but for now this is crowned the stupidest of the week.

I was walking to get lunch the other day and this woman, I mean mammoth, no no let me be nice - big (very big) lady says the following:

"I only have one pair of heels, and I spent $80 on them, the most I have ever spent on shoes."

Lets break down this sentence in two parts:

#1 - "I only have one pair of heels"

What. the. fuck. Seriously, what. the. fuck. How do you have only one pair of heels?? ONE?? And let me guess their ugly and black and go with nothing (or for you everything.). Minimum # of heels one woman should have is 15. BARE MINIMUM. I don't know, maybe her ankles would break under the 300lbs + weight they would have to support. But still doesn't she know heels are slimming?

#2 - "I spent $80 on them, the most I have ever spent on shoes."

Le sigh. Le fucking sigh. Really? Where the fuck are you shopping for all of your shoes?? Payless? I mean sure you can hit a good sale from time to time, but that is the most, EVER? $80?


Jesus, well I guess she rolls out the dough for food and not important things like shoes or clothes.

Granted this all came out of the mouth of a 300+lb reebook and acid wash jeans wearing chick so I guess it makes sense. But I think if she spent some money on shoes (or non acid wash jeans) she would start taking care of herself and want nicer things that only come in small sizes..

Who am I kidding? she'll be buried in that outfit.

This is why I am a full supported of having a real deal fashion police.

Haven't they created a less lethal formula yet?

I do not understand with all the advances we have made in the scientific community that no one has been able to create a tile cleaner that doesn't borderline on poison.

This shit makes me not want to clean my bathroom.

I mean there is no way around it, you have to clean the shower tiles because no matter what mildew grows on them. But Jesus Christ one spray and i'm tasting this shit all day long.

Is this really the only product that can do this? Is there no way they can maybe put in alittle less rat poison, arsenic and hydrochloric acid and alittle more water?

I mean fuck if need be I'll scrub harder.

Scratch that

Soooo don't want the boy from Thursday calling me. I've totally moved on to the sexy brit from last night, he's totally my cup of tea. Yes I have maybe a touch of A.D.D when it comes to men, but so what?

Where am I?

Ever wake up after 2 hours of sleep, stretch out, open your eyes and say to yourself, "That's not my wall", look in another direction and think again "That's not my wall either" bolt upright and think; "What the fuck? Where am I?"

And then you remember, Ooohhh yea....ummmm.. guess I kinda passed out after....

Yea that was me this morning.

It doesn't shame me to tell you this. In fact I'm pretty damn proud of myself. And I think, fuck, any woman over 30 who can get a 25 year old Irish bartender to bring them home after about 1 hour of chatting should feel proud of themselves too.

There is no shame in getting some tail kiddies. Everyone needs to get in on some action and hey my regular guy was busy. I had to improvise.

And sometimes improvisation leads you to a Irish bar in times square at 3am and has you leaving with a really cute bartender at 4:30 in the morning.

I insisted I wasn't going to go home with him, just was going to walk him home since I was awake..who the hell was I kidding? Like a 6ft tall guy needs a 5'3" bodyguard. Yeah I guess I didn't believe it when it came out of my mouth either. Oh well...it was totally worth it..

I wonder if I will hear from him again? Probably not. Why? Oh because I would totally hit that again. If I didn't want to ever see him again her would have called and texted me 10 times already.

Uh no. Just no.

Um excuse me...John Mayer?

Hi how are you? Good? That's great, I don't really care.

I'm just here to let you know one little thing. "The situation" you are not. You have no business lifting up your shirt for a camera. Especially when you are standing next to someone who is rocking a 12 pack.

Now at one point I know you were looking pretty good, somewhat svelte no? Because, for a fleeting moment I was thinking I would totally bang you.

Well...now...not on your life. You better get back to GTL'ing.

Funniest Shit I heard all day

"You touch her again I'll fucking kill you."

Now, I will explain why this is so funny so you don't think that I think killing is funny.

I am on my way home today on the C train (which is short hand for Crazy train) and all of a sudden I hear "You touch her again I'll fucking kill you." I turn my head super quick, expecting to find out some guy mistakenly macked on a gang banger's girlfriend.

Boy was I wrong.

The above statement was said by some crazy as hell drunken black man (well most likely more drunk than crazy) to a unsuspecting white kid - who was touching his own girlfriend!

Crazy man got up out of his seat staggered across to the couple shook his paper in the kid's face and then threatened him with death. If - IF the kid touched his own girlfriend. He then staggered back to his seat (a fantastic feat considering he was on the verge of blacking out and the train was actually moving fast for a change) and proceeded to death look the kid the entire time (that is in between his eyes forcibly closing on him.)

(side note: I say kid but he was probably 25... to me that's a kid)

Everyone on the train stopped what they were doing immediately and were silent. The kid looked like he was going to pee his pants - i think he did a little. Seriously he was fucking scared shitless...the fear of death was clear on his face. The girlfriend was going to actually say something (what the hell was she going to say I wonder?) but he quickly stopped her. I don't think he was a fan of possibly dying this night.

What did I do? I laughed out loud. I nice hearty HA-HA! The whole scene was ridiculously funny - to me at least. That caused everyone to look at me thinking I was next to get a death threat or maybe even get killed.

Not so people, crazy man looked up at me and slowly, he smiled...then looked away towards his prey to continue on with the death stare.

It was completely and utterly genius.

Music Monday!

I've dubbed Monday to now be called Music Monday! YAY! Music Monday!

You know what this means? Every Monday I will tell you about a new song (or songs), album, video, oh hell I don't need to spell it out for you do I?

Well maybe I do. Le sigh.

This Monday I am going to tell you about a new album - The National's High Violet.

I'm not going to go into a long winded description about the album you want that, read Rolling Stone.

I'm just going to tell you that its a really good album and you should check it out. I don't listen to crap music, everything in my library is worth checking out. So get on it.

Now fans of The National will say that this is their weakest album. That their first two albums (Alligator and Boxer) are much stronger. I tend to disagree. This is the best of the three. Yes it is somewhat of a change then what they usually do, but its a good progression and a nice change. I have all three albums, the first two are just OK for me. High Violet is in heavy rotation and will remain that way for a long time.

Best song on the album you ask? I believe it's Sorrow. Followed by Bloodbuzz Ohio.

So get on it.

Thanks BP!

Hey there BP! How the hell are you? Are you having fun destroying all the wildlife in the gulf? Killing the ecosystem? Putting fisherman out of work? Making pretty much all the water and beaches from Louisiana to possibly New York nothing but muck and tar? Ruining people's lives and more importantly my summer at the beach?

I sure as hell hope so. I would think you are since your not actually trying to fucking stop it.

Lets see now how much has leaked? 39 million gallons? I'm going with a whole lot more than that since you have been lying from the get go as to how much was coming out each day. But still 39 million? Hot damn! that's a lot of money your losing. Now wonder you not actually trying to cap off the fucker but trying to fix it so that you can keep what's left and sell it.

We all know you can stop it. You just are too greedy to do it.

So thanks again! And while your enjoying the fact that this spill is worse than the exxon valdez tragedy you can go fuck yourself.

Has hell frozen over?

Apparently yes. Yes it has.

This past Saturday night, right wing conservative radio host - and all around crazy bastard - Rush Limbaugh got married for the 4th time - i'm sorry 4th? How the hell is this fat, homophobe, racist fuck finding 4 separate women to marry him?? - sorry i'm going off topic here...

So yes, Rush got married Saturday night and who performed at his wedding? Sir Elton John.

That's right Sir Elton fucking John. Who's gay. As well an activist for Gay and AIDS rights.

Doesn't Rush fall into the category of idiots who think AIDS was created by god to punish the gays? (I might have just made that up but I have a feeling I am right).

Well my friends it seems that everyone has a price. Everyone is willing to sell their soul to the devil. Elton's price? One Million Dollars.

Does he really need that money? Is it worth it? Does he not see how offensive that is to every other gay, lesbian, transexual, etc? Everyone he is an activist for? That he in a sense represents?

Now I'm no fan of the Johnster, but if I was I wouldn't ever buy an album of his again. The GLBT should boycott him.

You know the most fucked up thing about this? That a piece of shit like Rush can get married 4 times and in essence make a mockery of the sacred union of marriage but two men or women who love each other can't.

This twat is really getting on my nerves

Bella, Bella, Bella...oh I'm sorry I mean Kristen Stewart. You are an idiot.

Have you heard this one? Kristen says fame is like being "Raped." Said comment was made during an interview she recently did with British Elle.

She said - and I quote - the following about the paparazzi:

"the photos are so... I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped. A lot of the time I can't handle it." She continues, "What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction."

I feel sooooo bad for you K-Stew. Oh the humanity! the horror! You're right, having the paparazzi taking your picture is exactly like being raped. Totally 100% exactly like being raped.

Is she fucking kidding me?? I can see you saying its rude, annoying, scary even, but likening it to being fucking raped? She's a fucking idiot.

How dare you say something like that. Have you ever actually been raped? Maybe you should sit down with a few people who have and swap stories, I'm sure you would only get 30 seconds into your story before an actual rape victim lunged for your throat.

Get over yourself. What the fuck did you think when you became an actress?! Have you never flipped through one gossip rag? Those are all paparazzi photos. This is what happens when you become famous. People want to take your picture, want to get your autograph. And take note, the minute they stop taking your picture your not relevant anymore.

If you don't like it, quit. Go back to what ever rock you crawled out from under and we would be happy to never hear from you again. Especially when stupid shit like this spews out of your mouth.

Do we really need to be friends?

You date for 5 years, then get married. You are married for 5 years then get divorced. No kids, sell the house and move.

Do you really need to be friends? What is the point? Why would you want to be friends?

Could you really have brunch, lunch or dinner and discuss with your ex the new guy/girl your fucking? Or your next conquest?

Do you want to rub it in that you are doing fucking fantastic and can't believe you wasted 10 years of your life?

Do you want to hear that your ex has reverted back to his high school friends, sit across from him wondering if he is doing coke, and thinking the whole time how many cute boys are at my favorite bar right now?

Ok, that last part might just be be me. But when the relationship ends whats the point to hold on to one last little piece of the relationship and make idle chit chat over text, like "how was your weekend?" "How are things?"

See... when I get these texts I think two things: 1) UGH. 2) If I don't respond does that make be an even bigger asshole then I was for ending it?

I have asked many people if they are friends with exes. And pretty much across the board its a big fat NO. No one sees the point.

And I agree. You're never going to be able to truly be friends. Its done, over, FINITO

So now I get to be the asshole and not respond to texts. Oh well its not like I don't make a habit of ignoring boys after I'm done with them. I do it more often than you think. Its like a part time job for me.

They're Totally Lying to Us

Who you ask? the airlines, or more specifically the flight crew (that's in the know lingo for the pilots and stewardesses) on each and every flight we take, they are lying or a the very least alluding to something that is absolutely not true.

Let me explain as I'm sure your at the edge of your seat like I just told you I cracked the Lindbergh baby case.

You know how your not allowed to have your phone, laptop, iPod, basically any electronic devices on during take off and landing? Becuase it screws with the controls, well who really fucking knows what it is messing with we are just all under the impression if any of this crap is on we will crash and die.

or end up on lost which in my opinion would be fantastic. anywhoo I digress..

Well, well, well guess what? my iPhone was NOT in airplane mode AND I was listening to music the moment I got on the plane till I stepped off.

So what the fuck?? why make us suffer without music or entertainment when we are sitting on the runway for what could be an hour or more to take off or for the last 20 minutes of the flight during the descent?

Because they are assholes that's why. Correction, they are assholes with a little bit of power over you and are miserable themselves so they want to make you miserable too.

But we all let them be assholes and make us miserable right? Why? because we are afraid that if our seat isn't upright, our tray table isn't in the lock position or we have our phone on they will send the US marshall after our ass and we will be put on the no fly list.

They can go to hell, I say. Lets all band together on this one. I betcha if every single person on every single flight got together and blatantly disobeyed the flight crew they would have no choice but to get rid of that stupid rule. It could be a modern day hands across America or some shit like that.

But your not going to do it are you? You're gonna pussy out right? Of course you are.

I don't know why I bother.