Single life lesson #15

Every single woman in their thirties should sleep with an early twenties hottie.

There are a few reasons for this:

#1 they are not looking for a relationship, just sex (which is all we really need at the end of the day right?)

#2 they are easily trained

#3 they have fantastic stamina and endurance

Case in point. I have had the pleasure of having fun with a 24 year old. What he lacks in quality he gains back in quantity. I mean really 3 times in a night and the next morning with only 15 minutes of rest in between? What men our age can do that?

But you may say, really quantity over quality? Well that is when we revert back to reason #2 - they are easily trained (boy are they!) They want to learn how to make you (well you and the rest of the girls their sleeping with) feel good as well. They are very quick learners and don't get all bent out of shape when you try to explain what they need to do for you to "come to the party" as well. Because at the end of the day they know they are young, hot, can go numerous times on end and if they can get you off as well.... well they then become a gift from god.

So get out there and find yourself an early twenties hottie.

Trust me you'll thank me. And if for some reason you don't go see a therapist because there is something wrong with you.

Happy Hunting!

Oh and p.s. if you don't get what "come to the party" means your an idiot.

But Is it appreciated?

The other day I wondered, all the shit that woman do men appreciate it?

Maybe I should get more specific, all the working out, dieting, skin care routines, etc is it appreciated? Or do men at the end of the day not care since when they are fucking you the lights are out? As long as we are somewhat good looking they could care less about the millions of creams, calories we count, number of crunches...well you catch my drift.

I pondered this during my nightly routine when I was putting on my toner, night cream, eye cream, body firming cream, lash lengthener and then again at 5am the next morning during my hour work out, 20 minute shower (that includes a multitude of products) then while I was putting on my make up and doing my hair.

All of these things we woman do, do they notice? Do they care? When they complain we are always late do they fully understand the fact that we are late because we are primping and priming to look as good as possible for them?

Maybe some do, real men I guess but for the most part all they care about is that we don't have a penis.

Changes

For the 5 of you that read this blog you might start noticing a change in direction in upcoming posts.

Don't worry they will still have the same flavor of the old but I am going to start pulling away from craptastic gossip and random rants to have a more structured (ooh big word!) feel and focusing in on my more personal escapades.

If you don't like it I don't give a shit move on to Perez Hilton then.

Single life lesson #45

Men love fishnet stockings. And I mean love fishnet stockings.

This past Thursday night, I go to see my favorite boy for one last meet before the holidays. To ensure that he thinks about our last night of the year together for the next month (we are both going on holiday) I decide to put out all the stops; A leather rag and bone dress which can only be taken off by someone other than yourself as it is a full back zip black suede booties and fishnets.

Now, I only wore the fishnets because they were the only clean stockings I had. I thought it would be all about the leather dress, I mean who doesn't love a leather dress?? It was mid thigh quality leather sleeveless...But no, it was all about the fishnets.

I was told to shower and come back out only wearing the fishnets and boots.

I have another boy (second favorite) who has requested I bring several pairs of fishnets and heels with me when I see him over the holidays.

Who knew fishnets were so popular?

I spoke to a few people on this and we came up with one reason: They are dirty, not unclean dirty but sexy dirty. Fishnets are not what their moms are wearing (they opt for old lady black opaque tights) they are worn by sexy women, hookers, escorts, women who seemingly know what they are doing in the sack. Even the fuglyst girl could get laid if she wore fishnets. You say no? Well put on a pair and see what happens, I'll bet $1,000 that you have a 10 times better chance on getting fucked.

Here's another tidbit my hairdresser told me, get cheap ones, so that when they get ripped you don't whine over the money you spent.

Because the only thing sexier than fishnets are fishnets that your guy rips right before he.....well I think you get the idea.

What is too fat?

I will not even post a picture with this post. There is a list of things that digust, annoy, freak me out and/or give me the heebie jeebies. Fat people are one of them. Not just fat, but the obese.

I was on the bus today going home. There is a guy sitting in a seat and his ass is hanging off. Not just part of his ass, but the whole right cheek. so half of his body is off the seat. But not only that, this half of the body hanging off the seat is in the aisle. So if you want to walk to a seat past him you literally have to squeeze by sideways.

I have a few issues with this. Besides the obvious. Why the fuck are you sitting in the middle of the bus so that the rest of us have to squeeze by sideways? And when we walk by any reason why your huffing and fucking puffing about sucking in what fat you can so we can fit? Now I am little I can pretty much fit through anything. But this was tough for me, so what about a normal person?

Your fat ass didn't want to talk up the back row where no one sits? Noooooo you want to pretend that your normal and can fit into a regular seat.

Well fat ass you can't. Your so fucking fat you should pay for two seats.

Don't you know your gross? And a big mac away from a heart attack? I know it why don't you?

Any reason why you didn't start dieting at the 200lb mark? or the 250? or hell even the fucking 300lb mark?

I guesstimated this fucks weight at 450lbs.

Doesn't this asshat read Vogue and know thin is in??

who gets the arm rest?

The person in the middle seat douchebag.

My Aunt posed this question to me tonight. She was on a plan from JFK to San Jose Wednesday night and was stuck in the god forsaken middle seat.

These are the facts:

- Window seat has a nice view and its own armrest PLUS can lean up against the wall and sleep
- Aisle seat has better access to get the fuck up and its own armrest
- Middle seat is screwed because its stuck between (more often than not) two smelly fat people

If im in the middle seat, I take both armrests. Fuck you douches on either side of me. My Aunt had to play the game of sharing the armrest or taking over the armrest and dealing with an annoying fuck that wouldn't stop moving next to her.

I would have taken the armrest over and given them both the "yea these are mine" look. Thats what you have to do when you are dealing with fucktards.

The middle seat is fucked. The least you can do if you are on either side of them is give up the armrest. Let them have some comfort.

Life lesson # 33 bitches

How much money could she pocket?

Who fucking cares?? Seriously I have learned more about Tiger Woods in the past few days then I ever wanted to. Yes he cheated. Yes she beat the shit out of him (go girl!) and yes the whole "car accident" was a farce for him to cover up the fact that his wife went all crazy bitch on him and beat the shit out of him.

If she is willing to take $5 million to stay with him, fine. Who cares? This is not news. More importantly its not even good gossip. He is not gossip worthy. Neither is she.

If you want to read all about it click here.

If your like me and and could give a shit click here.

If only this was true

How I would love to see the reaction if this actually happened