Why I Hate Hipsters

Welcome to a new daily column! Tah Dah!!

"Why I Hate Hipsters"

Every week I will pick one thing. Just one thing that I hate about hipsters. Or as I like to call them, hipster douchebags.

I figure I can get a lifetime out of this column.

Reason # 1 (and mind you this column is in no particular order)

The ankle raping jeans they wear. Simply put ankle rapers.

These guys (and girls) wear the tightest fucking jeans I have ever seen in my life. How do they get into them? How can they walk? How are they fucking comfortable???

The guys look like they have thinner legs than me, and the girls look all squished with extra meat popping off the top. Soooooo fucking sexy on both accounts.

Don't jeans so tight give you low sperm count and / or a yeast infection? I would think it would as its got to be hot in there.

The jeans they wear are hideously, ridiculously, retardedly tight and are complimented by the stupidest fucking colors in the rainbow. Not only are they raping your legs like a leech they're fucking yellow. Or purple or red.

Oh that's right, I forgot these colors are "ironic" Either that or they are the cheapest pairs onsale at American Apparel

Douchebags.

I'm not impressed

With latest creation from Apple. The ipad.

Le Sigh. Really? Really?? This is just a big ipod touch / iphone. Minus the phone and camera.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Carry it in my bag that already contains the ipod and iphone?

Apparently it was created to kill kindle. Well I already thought the kindle was stupid and needed to be destroyed so I'm not interested in a mac version of it.

So you can play games on it, read newspapers (as a friend told me today "I can read my paper in the morning on it like i'm the future) and books and download (as well as listen?) to music.

Let me repeat my self:

This is just a big ipod touch / iphone . Minus the phone and camera.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Carry it in my bag that already contains the ipod and iphone?

Maybe i'm old fashioned, I prefer to read my books and newspapers while I hold them in my hand. Or maybe I think apple needs to just stop trying to kill everything PC and create a tech monopoly.

I fucking hate apple, I truly do. They force you to buy a new ipod or computer every year because they hold back functions for the next generations of each product. Their products die most often than not the day after the standard 1- year warranty ends.

If you wanted to impress me you should have made this a tablet computer. Make is so that you could have all the graphic programs on it like photoshop, illustrator and indesign. So its even more on the go than an air book. Also they should have a fucking phone function on it and you can just bluetooth calls to those douchey ear pieces.

Again sigh. Do I really have to tell you all this? You know the next generation will have all this shit on it.

But here's the thing, I said it first so if they do it I'll sue 'em. It probably won't work but it'll totally piss them off.

Poser

Dear Random Guy on the 1 train,

You're a poser.

You sit there with your bullring in your nose, 10 piercings in each ear, dyed blue mohawk giving every one a scary death stare that sits near you.

Do not even think for a second you phase me.

Why you ask? Why?

It's simple, I was close enough to hear what was blasting in your Bose headphones..

JLo. Yes that's right JLo, Mizz Jennifer Lopez. Waiting for tonight to be exact.

So you are a poser. You want people to think your are this tough punk fuck but yet you are just an idiot with a bull ring listening to Jennifer Lopez.

I should have pointed and laughed at you. But I was too busy fixing my makeup.

Next time I will and make sure everyone goes along with me. Becuase no one listening to that shit should be giving anyone a scary death stare.

And because bull rings are sooooo passe.

Is it a test of wills if only one person is in on it?

What do we think?

Say you decide to take a stand in a relationship, but silently. You tell yourself of course but not the other person. Is it a test of wills only against yourself? To see how long you can stay in your stance?

You're in a form of a relationship albeit a casual one. Its been going on for months and maybe you want more out of it. Maybe.. But you finally realize your doing all the work in keeping the relationship going, making the calls, sending the texts, etc. And plus since you maybe want more out of it you want them to feel the same and contact you from time to time. Make you feel wanted.

So one night you decide amazing sex doesn't mean you have to give up your self respect. (I know this prompts you to ask - you dont? - no you don't) You get up get dressed and leave. On the way home you make yourself a promise, "I will not reach out anymore. I will not call or text. He will have to contact me."

Now you think this person isn't too happy that you walked out, that you made them finally feel how you have been feeling; used, shitty, etc. But your not 100% sure. Mainly because you know the relationship is exactly how they want it.

So you stick to your guns but its tough, you haven't heard from them and your getting an itch that really only they can scratch. Your becoming like an addict itching for the next fix and forcfully stopping yourself from texting.

Do they know? That you finally hit your level and they are now forcing your hand to contact them? Or do they not know and just think your busy?

I think I figured this on out on my own. Its a test of wills against yourself. One you must win.

Gagalicious

I had the pleasure of going to the Lady Gaga show last night. Her last show in Radio City Music Hall in NYC.

It was gagalicious. I had a blast. Even though I was far up in the second to last row it was one of the better concerts I have been to in a while. I was impressed with her. She sang live the entire time, had fantastic costumes, danced her ass off and hyped up the crowed. I danced the entire time.

However, it felt too..what's the word i'm looking for? Rehearsed? Perfect? I felt it should have or would have been grittier, more low down not a seasoned perfectly perfect show.

Makes sense no? I didn't think so.

See, to me Gaga is or portrays herself as an artist, she is a performer but more of an anti performer, more of a shocker than a perfectionist like Madonna. It felt like a standard world tour show at some points, like she had a checklist given to her by someone else:

- singing - check
- talk to the crowd - check
- fancy costumes - check
- fancy lighting - check

There was no encore, she went through her full album soup to nuts and didn't change anything up. No new mixes to songs or even anything new or unheard of.

Maybe I was expecting her to live up more to her "out there" persona.

Though I would totally see her again next time she tours.

R Bar

Dear R Bar,

Why is your last call at 11:30pm? Why do you close at 12:30? Why do you charge $10 to get in for shitty bands?

Let me welcome you to New York City.

Last call is...well wait when is it? 2:30? 3? Hell if I know, to me it doesn't matter as there is always an underground bar that I can go to or a fuck buddies house I need to get to. Sooooo let's say 3am, what the hell (notice I didn't say fuck) are you doing yelling last call at 11:30pm????

I paid $10 to see 3 shitty bands the least you can do (besides having a happy hour special till 8pm) is stay open till 3am. You need the money, at least on a Thursday night. It was a shitty crowd, no one was drinking and at 11:30 the only people there was my friends and I.

If it wasn't a good friend playing at 7pm I would have went back to slainte for a 2-4-1 happy hour.

Get your shit together man.

Goodnight Assassin

I had the pleasure of watching my friends band perform this week at R Bar little did he know I would blog about it.

All in all, not that bad. Listen, they have only been together a year or so and practicing together 7 or so months, I think. Who knows..that's how they sounded at least.

Here is the good: The music is good. The music only. I'm not talking about the vocals. For you fancy pants out there i'm referring to the instruments only. These kids -- yes kids, they're a lot younger than-- me play really well. There are two guitarists (my friend is one) a bassist and a drummer, they all kick huge ass. I could have just sat back and listened to them play (hey I am a fan of Russian Circles.). They have their shit down. The drummer...was pounding it out. I give him mad props (mad props you ask? yes I'm old school) I was impressed. Majorly with the musicality of it all.

The bad...the singer fucking sucked. Horrible. I was literally forcing myself not to walk out. All because of the singer. The singer ... he was not coherent. I have no problem with a singer that screams...but a good singer screams to the beat....in key Not this one. You couldn't understand the lyrics. He sang like Britney Spears with no back track..wait sorry thats an insult to Britney. It didn't seem to me that he was with the music, could hold the tune of the line, plus he was doing those overdone, overplayed siezure type dance moves on the stage.

All in all, I watched it thinking, "Am I in Williamsburg, wait, whats worse than that?" Because that's where I was. Because of the singer, they were way below the worst hipster, emo band you have ever heard in your life.

If your a facebook member or on my space check them out. Again, the music is good. Just mentally block out the vocals.

At the end of the day, what they need is a better singer. Or one of the actual musicians in the band needs to step up and be the singer. These days the lead singer needs to be a performer. Get the crowd into it, put on a show, and this one...wouldn't know where to begin.

Actually a female single is exactly what they need. One that can sing but exudes sex. That would fill up the bar and start making them money.

Oh thank god

Apparently the Gym newbies are dropping like flies. My gym is almost back to itself, not as crowded and my locker is free.

This must be a record, these people couldn't even last a month? WEAK

Oh and by the way, the elliptical is a weak form of running. Its like pussy running. I quite like it though, I don't get as sweaty.

A wise man once said

"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."


--- Mark "That's my fucking cousin" R.

Always have a way out

I was speaking to a friend the other day who was telling me a story about how she punked out on meeting up with a guy for drinks.

It was someone she met on an online site. She was nervous about what would happen if she walked in saw him started talking and realized she wasn't into him at all whether it be because of looks or personality.

My response, "well that's easy just have someone make an emergency call to you."

She didn't know what I was talking about. GASP! Maybe there is another code word for this and I forgot.

This is a very old, very very old way to get out of a situation you are unsure of walking into.

Say your meeting up with someone at 7pm. You set it up to have a friend call you at 7:30 freaking out needing you immediately. You then have a code word or words to either:

a) cut the friend off because you want to stick around

or

b) immediately run to said persons aid

The best way for this to work and to be realistic is to have it be a work issue (NOTE: this will only work during the week - unless you have a job where you work on the weekends) that the shit hit the fan after you left and you have to go back to the office, you then run off with a parting "sorry, gotta run - work , you know how it is, I'll be in touch!"

Or you can cut off the friend with a "no I took care of that before I left." Hang up and continue getting to know this new stranger you will probably be under later tonight.

Of course the more mature thing would be to stick it out for a drink and just say, "you know I don't think this is working let's just end it here."

But where is the fun in that?

Actually I might need to set up one of these calls for Friday. Cue the eye roll.

Big fucking deal

All i'm hearing about today is the senate seat race in Massachusetts.

Apparently, the Republicans got the seat formally held by Ted Kennedy. Everyone is in an uproar about this. No one understands how this happened.

Its easy, people from Massachusetts are retarded.

Oh yes they are, they are Red Sox and Patriot fans.

Case closed.

Best bar bathroom

Hands down, the women's bathroom at The Stoned Crow in the west village.

It smells like fruity pebbles. No joke

Russian Circles

Get on it.

Station is amazing. Check it out. Click here again.

And again

And again

And again

And again

Why does it have to be a game?

The above question is in reference to dating.

Why does it have to be a game? Wouldn't it be easier if it wasn't? If everyone was just honest and communicated like non retarts? (notice I was politically correct and didn't say retard.).

Maybe I am not the norm. Maybe people like the games, makes them feel alive. But I say, wouldn't dirty texting make you feel better?

Why if you want to see someone, you can't just say, "Hey what are doing? I would like to see you tonight, are you available?" Instead of, "I'll be home like 9ish.." Hell you can even say; "I want you at my house at 9:30 when I get there so I can fuck you."

Or why can't you say any of the following:

"I like you, would like to see you again."
"I would like to see you exclusively."
"I just want to fuck you."

Without any worry of how it will be perceived?

I think men actually created the dating games and did it for two reasons:

1) To screw with womens heads
2) Because they are afraid to be honest

And because of this women must play the game back or if they don't are the few that are analyzing stupid fucking texts all day long and planning a non gamer counter attack.

If we all just put our cards on the table, showed our aces and were up front with what we wanted with eachother wouldn't it make dating more fun? At the very least it would let everyone know where they stood. There would be no uncertainty and people would be happier in whatever relationship they had, whether it was with a fuckbuddy, a boyfriend, an almost boyfriend or even a spouse.

And millions of women wouldn't be home right now waiting for the phone to ring, or to get that text or be analyzing the last text or message they got.

Whats even weirder, because of years of games, if you're open and honest, no one knows how to handle it, probably because you have thrown them off their game.

Take it from the new kid on the dating block, just say what the fuck your thinking, be honest don't leave those stupid nagging questions unanswered because at the end, the game ends in tears or screaming arguments.

Gym Newbies

Why is it that everyone and their mother needed to join my gym in the new year??

Did everyone in NYC decide they were fat and had to start working out? After work? When I'm there??

Listen, i'm all for everyone working out, and getting fit, but I really don't appreciate walking into a crowed locker room or fighting for a treadmill.

I go to to the gym after a long day to run it out. Or off. Whatever. I run the day away.

Now granted I just joined right after thanksgiving, but damn it! 6-7:30 is my time at the gym.

This week I go in my normal locker is taken. There are fat naked women running around showing me their boobs and cellulite (like I want to see that???.). Then I go to the treadmills and they are almost all taken.

I like to take one not near anyone else. Give people their personal space. But do the newbies follow that same rule? NOOOOOO. God forbid they give me space. No, instead they want to be right next to me and try to race. Pumping up the speed to be over a 10 minute mile and huffing the whole way and looking at me like they are beating me in a sprint.

Meanwhile I am in it for the long haul, not a quick fast run but a nice long jog. Really get the body working.

I ignore them, they don't know how it works. I am the one that passes the judgment not the other way around.

The only thing I can hope for is that spin class isn't packed tomorrow. Oh and that by the end of the month the newbies start dropping like flies. Thats what they usually do right? Get tired of it, don't see results in 2 days, can't handle dieting and working out and stop? Please tell me i'm right.

If I have to see one more saggy tit, stomach roll or cottage cheese thigh I will throw up.

Preferably on them. I will follow it up with the exclamation: "THIS IS YOUR FAULT! GET OUT OF MY GYM NEWBIE!"

Life Lesson #50

Always have a fake phone number handy.

You know why I bring this up.

Because of the person you don’t want or need that is now blowing up your phone constantly. The person that you fucked, or made out with or...whatever... you shouldn’t have given them your number.

Granted maybe at the time you were into them, for whatever reason because you needed them at that moment but still you knew they were not good enough for you, or wasn't your type, or....well you catch my drift..

Why am I posting this do you ask? Well its not from personal experience (I know my fake number by heart) It's based upon a conversation I eased dropped on the other day.

Two twenty something girls were discussing this topic. The blonde was bitching about some poor loser that kept texting her and asking her out. She explained how she wasn't answering the texts and if she did was making up excuses as to why they couldn't go out sol didn't understand why he kept at it.

The longer I listened to the convo I understood the crux of the problem: She hooked up with someone beneath her looks wise while she was shitty ass wasted and then gave him her real phone number. When she woke up the next morning she was greeted with breakfast (which was a plus) by a balding, pudgy guy in his 30's (this is the minus - like you need me to tell you that.).

She thought the night before he was much much cuter, mainly because his eyes were so blue (apparently his eyes also made her blind to his faults) and also because he is a successful hedge fund manager.

Granted I think the money played a greater role than the eyes (hey we are in a recession maybe in her drunken state she was trying to plan for her retirement?) and while drunk she was willing to look past all the faults but the next morning....not so much.

But that next morning she did give him her phone number. When asked why?! by her redheaded friend, she stated that she was all nervous and freaked out and felt bad...blah blah blah...but that in reality she couldn't come up with a fake number to give.

Now lets also look at this another way. What if this guy is crazy? And gets all stalkery because she doesn't answer his texts? We all know about the reverse phone number look up. You can find someone's home address quicker than I can snap my fingers. And just like that, he (or she - we know most women are crazier than men) is waiting on your doorstep with flowers screaming: "I won't be ignored!!"

So, let this be a lesson to you. Have a fake phone number at the ready always.

This pictures makes me happy

I took it with my iphone from the plane in between Phoenix and NYC. It was better in person. BUT no matter what.... it should make you fucking smile. Why? Ugh, heavy sigh....well retard because its beautiful. It shows you what is important. Not just the machines that make things or the trees that grow fruit and veggies (hahahahhaaha you'd have to read a below post to get that reference) but earth, Mother Earth, Space, the sunrise and sunset. That is what is important. Because if the sun didn’t rise then we would die.

Dun . Dun . Dun .

That was a depressing way to end off a happy post don'tcha think?

Was it something I Said?

Do you ever get the feeling that you might have done something or said something that fucked things up? But not really sure what it is? That’s the feeling I got right now.

The problem is women do tend to over analyze everything to the point of irrationality. But how can we not sometimes? Especially dealing with idiot men or people - yes people - I didn’t fuck up anything up with a man.

But maybe I did. Shit. I’ll tell you It’s tough writing a blog where most of the people reading it are friends and/or family. You don’t want, well can’t put it all out there without reaping some embarrassment but isn’t that the point of a commentary blog? (I think I just made that up - commentary blog) If I bring my life up don’t I need to at least give some details??

Its a quagmire (I sometimes like to bold the big fancy words) all right. An emotional one at that.

One that I will wrestle with later. All I fucking know is Saturday Jan 2nd everything was fine. Then I pop a text on Jan 7th and have been ignored from then on.

Maybe they (yes they not he) left for South America earlier than we all thought? And there is no service? Or they lost their cell phone? Though when that has happened in the past I have gotten an email informing me about it and there was new phone in hand within 24 hours (who the fuck can live without a phone these days??)

Hmmmm..

any theories? I will keep you posted on this one.

I told you there would be changes to this blog.

Deal with it.

Reasons to fly first class

Listen I know its pricey but there are a few things you need you know before you turn your nose up at this post. Now yes I fly first class but I do not travel often and I book my trips waaaaayyyy in advance so they are cheaper and by the time I leave for the trip its paid for (its paid for cause i’m smart and fucking pay it off its not by magic fyi.).

Also, if the flight is under 3 hours and jet blue goes to said destination direct I will fly jet blue.

So don’t judge me. Thats my job.

Anyhooo I digress. Reasons to fly first class.... here we go:

1- you do not get charged for extra checked luggage
2- if your checked luggage is over 70lbs you don’t get charged
3- Sometimes first class gets its own security line
4- First class lounge
5- You board first and get off first
6- Your checked luggage usually comes off first
7- Your own bathroom
8- wide comfortable seats
9- Constant drinks and food

You do not pay extra for any of these amenities listed above. You of course pay for them when you buy your ticket. But as we all know from riding in coach its worth it. If for any reason you are not getting the above treatment well then your probably pissing people off - people as in ALL the airline employees. People that fly first class do have the power to be bitchy but if you don’t it goes a long way. A few please’s, thank you’s and smiles and they will look the other way when your piss ass drunk or pretty much let you do whatever you want.

Case in point:

I Flew from San Jose to NYC today. When I checked in I was told my bag was over the required 70 (it was 74 - I bought about 15 lbs in clothes in Santa Cruz) but that was ok since I was first class. My luggage also got the “priority sticker” when I asked what that was I was told it was because I was in first class. (score!). When I flew from Charlotte to San Jose (people please! I am not from Charlotte I was just visiting there - family and 24 year olds) there was the first class only security line. And right now as I write this I am full on a Cobb salad, heated roll a really good fucking brownie with oreo’s baked into it on top and 2 glasses of wine.

My goal is to get another brownie and 2 more glasses of wine. Even though my tummy hurts (i’m pretty fucking full!). Fuck it I paid a shitload for this airfare. Gotta get my money’s worth. Well....maybe just more wine. I’ll take the brownie to go.

There are no words.

Just laughter, enjoy THIS


p.s. this is an update on my polish hippies post.

Oh and fruits and vegetables grow on fruit and vegetable trees.

Oh hell fucking no.

I am an avid watcher of LOST. I am a lostie you would say. I watch it religiously, can't miss an episode. The day after I hold meetings with the rest of the losties in my office to review the past night's episode in which we pick apart every thing that was said and done for hidden meanings.

I have been waiting for nine months for the new (and final season)

NINE FUCKING MONTHS.

It is supposed to start February 2nd. That is 24 days away. But now I am hearing that a certain someone is planning their State of the Union address on that night. Apparently there are two dates they are choosing between: Jan 26th and Feb 2nd.

Jan 26th is the premiere of American Idol. Who fucking cares about that shit anymore? Plus it will be the waaayyyy booorrrinng episode of the preliminary rounds.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT fuck with LOST. I do not want to wait another week for it.

Besides, do we really need a State of the Union address? We all know whats going on now:

- No one has jobs
- No one has money
- The economy is in the crapper
- We are at war with terrorists

Basically everything is in the shitter.

There's your State of the Union. And in all honestly wouldn't we rather get mind fucked by LOST instead of the President?

Tamales

This is just a little shout out to a reader.

Brandi, your chicken tamales are fucking awesome. Feel free to ship some out to me next you make a batch.

I must meet you next time I visit, from what I understand you are as fantastically cool as I am.

Polish Hippies

Polish hippies you ask? It's not what you think..Allow me to explain...

I am staying in Watsonville, CA visiting family this week. The other day we decided to go shopping on Pacific Avenue in Santa Cruz.

Pacific Avenue is nice, I quite liked it actually, even though its a cross between Williamsburg and Park Slope (read = hipster douchebags and yuppies.) However they also have hippies.

Apparently said hippies run the politics in this area and they are fucking ass backwards in their ways...

Case in point #1:

There is no smoking on Pacific. At all. It is a $150 fine if you are caught. However, if you are homeless feel free to take a piss or shit wherever you like. They have no issues with vagrants or as people like to call them here - grubs. God forbid you want to light up a cigarette though, they will take you down like a suicide bomber.

Interestingly enough, the smell of smoke passes with the wind, the smell of piss and/or shit pretty much lasts until 3-4 washings with bleach.

Case in point #2:

There is no bike riding or skateboarding on Pacific as well. If you are caught riding either you will be forced to get off the street or walk either vehicle the rest of the way. Though feel free to drive around or idle for 15 minutes in your gas guzzling 12 passenger Escalade or Hummer spewing out carbon monoxide into the atmosphere tearing open the ozone layer even more.

I was under the impression that California was an green state. That they would in fact prefer you to ride a bike or skateboard as opposed to a car as this is friendly to the environment. What makes this story even more mind blowing is that these people are hippies...last I knew hippies were all about mother earth and saving the planet.

Maybe the ones here just smoke too much weed to remember that.