Single life lesson #15

Every single woman in their thirties should sleep with an early twenties hottie.

There are a few reasons for this:

#1 they are not looking for a relationship, just sex (which is all we really need at the end of the day right?)

#2 they are easily trained

#3 they have fantastic stamina and endurance

Case in point. I have had the pleasure of having fun with a 24 year old. What he lacks in quality he gains back in quantity. I mean really 3 times in a night and the next morning with only 15 minutes of rest in between? What men our age can do that?

But you may say, really quantity over quality? Well that is when we revert back to reason #2 - they are easily trained (boy are they!) They want to learn how to make you (well you and the rest of the girls their sleeping with) feel good as well. They are very quick learners and don't get all bent out of shape when you try to explain what they need to do for you to "come to the party" as well. Because at the end of the day they know they are young, hot, can go numerous times on end and if they can get you off as well.... well they then become a gift from god.

So get out there and find yourself an early twenties hottie.

Trust me you'll thank me. And if for some reason you don't go see a therapist because there is something wrong with you.

Happy Hunting!

Oh and p.s. if you don't get what "come to the party" means your an idiot.

But Is it appreciated?

The other day I wondered, all the shit that woman do men appreciate it?

Maybe I should get more specific, all the working out, dieting, skin care routines, etc is it appreciated? Or do men at the end of the day not care since when they are fucking you the lights are out? As long as we are somewhat good looking they could care less about the millions of creams, calories we count, number of crunches...well you catch my drift.

I pondered this during my nightly routine when I was putting on my toner, night cream, eye cream, body firming cream, lash lengthener and then again at 5am the next morning during my hour work out, 20 minute shower (that includes a multitude of products) then while I was putting on my make up and doing my hair.

All of these things we woman do, do they notice? Do they care? When they complain we are always late do they fully understand the fact that we are late because we are primping and priming to look as good as possible for them?

Maybe some do, real men I guess but for the most part all they care about is that we don't have a penis.

Changes

For the 5 of you that read this blog you might start noticing a change in direction in upcoming posts.

Don't worry they will still have the same flavor of the old but I am going to start pulling away from craptastic gossip and random rants to have a more structured (ooh big word!) feel and focusing in on my more personal escapades.

If you don't like it I don't give a shit move on to Perez Hilton then.

Single life lesson #45

Men love fishnet stockings. And I mean love fishnet stockings.

This past Thursday night, I go to see my favorite boy for one last meet before the holidays. To ensure that he thinks about our last night of the year together for the next month (we are both going on holiday) I decide to put out all the stops; A leather rag and bone dress which can only be taken off by someone other than yourself as it is a full back zip black suede booties and fishnets.

Now, I only wore the fishnets because they were the only clean stockings I had. I thought it would be all about the leather dress, I mean who doesn't love a leather dress?? It was mid thigh quality leather sleeveless...But no, it was all about the fishnets.

I was told to shower and come back out only wearing the fishnets and boots.

I have another boy (second favorite) who has requested I bring several pairs of fishnets and heels with me when I see him over the holidays.

Who knew fishnets were so popular?

I spoke to a few people on this and we came up with one reason: They are dirty, not unclean dirty but sexy dirty. Fishnets are not what their moms are wearing (they opt for old lady black opaque tights) they are worn by sexy women, hookers, escorts, women who seemingly know what they are doing in the sack. Even the fuglyst girl could get laid if she wore fishnets. You say no? Well put on a pair and see what happens, I'll bet $1,000 that you have a 10 times better chance on getting fucked.

Here's another tidbit my hairdresser told me, get cheap ones, so that when they get ripped you don't whine over the money you spent.

Because the only thing sexier than fishnets are fishnets that your guy rips right before he.....well I think you get the idea.

What is too fat?

I will not even post a picture with this post. There is a list of things that digust, annoy, freak me out and/or give me the heebie jeebies. Fat people are one of them. Not just fat, but the obese.

I was on the bus today going home. There is a guy sitting in a seat and his ass is hanging off. Not just part of his ass, but the whole right cheek. so half of his body is off the seat. But not only that, this half of the body hanging off the seat is in the aisle. So if you want to walk to a seat past him you literally have to squeeze by sideways.

I have a few issues with this. Besides the obvious. Why the fuck are you sitting in the middle of the bus so that the rest of us have to squeeze by sideways? And when we walk by any reason why your huffing and fucking puffing about sucking in what fat you can so we can fit? Now I am little I can pretty much fit through anything. But this was tough for me, so what about a normal person?

Your fat ass didn't want to talk up the back row where no one sits? Noooooo you want to pretend that your normal and can fit into a regular seat.

Well fat ass you can't. Your so fucking fat you should pay for two seats.

Don't you know your gross? And a big mac away from a heart attack? I know it why don't you?

Any reason why you didn't start dieting at the 200lb mark? or the 250? or hell even the fucking 300lb mark?

I guesstimated this fucks weight at 450lbs.

Doesn't this asshat read Vogue and know thin is in??

who gets the arm rest?

The person in the middle seat douchebag.

My Aunt posed this question to me tonight. She was on a plan from JFK to San Jose Wednesday night and was stuck in the god forsaken middle seat.

These are the facts:

- Window seat has a nice view and its own armrest PLUS can lean up against the wall and sleep
- Aisle seat has better access to get the fuck up and its own armrest
- Middle seat is screwed because its stuck between (more often than not) two smelly fat people

If im in the middle seat, I take both armrests. Fuck you douches on either side of me. My Aunt had to play the game of sharing the armrest or taking over the armrest and dealing with an annoying fuck that wouldn't stop moving next to her.

I would have taken the armrest over and given them both the "yea these are mine" look. Thats what you have to do when you are dealing with fucktards.

The middle seat is fucked. The least you can do if you are on either side of them is give up the armrest. Let them have some comfort.

Life lesson # 33 bitches

How much money could she pocket?

Who fucking cares?? Seriously I have learned more about Tiger Woods in the past few days then I ever wanted to. Yes he cheated. Yes she beat the shit out of him (go girl!) and yes the whole "car accident" was a farce for him to cover up the fact that his wife went all crazy bitch on him and beat the shit out of him.

If she is willing to take $5 million to stay with him, fine. Who cares? This is not news. More importantly its not even good gossip. He is not gossip worthy. Neither is she.

If you want to read all about it click here.

If your like me and and could give a shit click here.

If only this was true

How I would love to see the reaction if this actually happened

How can I make this work?

Anyone know how I can get a hot latin guy from Jersey to come all the way to Long Beach via the PATH then LIRR just to makeout? Anyone else I got right now I would have no choice but to bang (and I can't really do that with Grandma in the house visiting from Cali)

I think this qualifies as a preposterous quagmire.

oh p.s. I taught him how to text dirty (see post lower down the line) he is still getting the hang of it, not that original but its a start.

Dried up like a cornflake

The above picture is of your typical group of Long Island Guys.

Last night me and a few members of my family went out in Rockville Centre - which for you asshats out there is IN Long Island.

Yea that above picture is is what I was looking at or dealing with or night. Long Island guys are in a sense like Brooklyn guys. I deem them "Guido Lite" same bad taste just less filling.

My Aunt says that these guys make your puss puss "dry up like a cornflake"

She's right. If I had to deal with this on a daily basis I would never have sex and it would dry up like a cornflake.

I have no idea how the girls here stand it. Well I guess they lived with it so long they accept their fate. Though most of them are the female version of them. They're just "Guidette Lite" same bad taste with no filling.

hats off to them

Oh geez.

Question: what is the point of texting boys if it's not dirty?

Answer: None.

I'm sorry but if I want to have a conversation with you, I'll call you on the fucking phone and chat about my hopes and dreams. Texting needs to be dirty, so you both get all hot and bothered for the next time you see each other...(single life lesson #355 people.) Either that or to confirm plans or set a date and that should be super quick then get dirty.

So I'm texting you back and forth and its boring (how are you, blah blah, happy thanksgiving, blah blah), at the same time texting dirty (real dirty) with someone else. So I tried to get a little frisky just to feel you out, see where your at...what do I get? Haha your crazy.

Jesus guy, your not my boyfriend, though you want to be, your not. This is sex, dinner first with you but still sex. If you can't keep me hot inbetween the times I see you then you can't handle it..ugh now I have to have that uncomfortable conversation.

Thanks alot douche.

Whoever said latin guys are hot (meaning personality not looks) doesn't know what the fuck they are talking about.

Biscuit Debacle

Can someone tell me what is the sense of Thanksgiving (oh Happy Thanksgiving!) without fucking biscuits??? None that's what.

Every Thanksgiving I have a teeny bit of turkey, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy and a biscuit or two. The flaky layer kind. I make mashed potatoes sandwiches with the potatoes and gravy. EVERY YEAR. This is at my moms house. EVERY YEAR.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING TRYING TO NOT MAKE BISCUITS THIS YEAR?!?!?!?!

I say "what about the biscuits?" She's looks at me like she is about to cut me with the carving knife. Like i'm asking for a side of crack with my gravy.

Maybe the mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows put her over the edge. I don't know. But I tell you this....I got my fucking biscuits.

preposterous

Linda (my aunt) was on the phone with Loren (my uncle) and he used this above word "preposterous." Now I was 3 drinks in so I don't remember the context, though I'm sure it was about me and my escapades.

Now I usually say "fucking crazy" as in "that's fucking crazy!" but from here on in i'm gonna say: "That's preposterous!"

It makes me sound smart.

I would have said: STFU

So apparently Mr. Tom Cruise (aka Katie oops Kate Holmes) went to see New Moon over the weekend. And talked the entire time.

Check it:

"Katie talked through all of 'New Moon,'" griped the spy. "It was unbelievable – they talked nonstop about the movie and everything else."

But she is in NYC watching New Moon, the crazy hardcore Manhattan twi-hards wouldn't stand for that. Or would they?

Check it:

"Some people wanted to tell them to be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent," the source said. "No one wanted to shush Katie."

What the fuck? No one wanted to shush her? Who the fuck is she? I don't care who the fuck it is, it could have been the President. I would have gotten up and said : Excuse me, but could you please shut the fuck up? Great thanks.

I don't know if I believe this story, I mean yea I can see her talking through an entire movie (lord know Tommy girl doesn't let her speak at home) but I can't see NYC twi-hards not saying anything, especially if she was talking during a scene with Edward..oh my Edward!

Jesus Christ

One fucking post about Crocs and now there is advertising on my site for crocs????!!!!!! WTF? I swear to god anyone who wears them should be shot.

Quagmire

My aunt just said that word. I kinda like it. I usually say "pesky predicament" but I think I am going with quagmire from here on in...

lord knows I just got myself into one...what? he's hot and latin...what was I supposed to do?

Oh middle America

Stop freaking out about Adam Lambert. Like you didn't know....HE'S GAY. He's gay you ask? Yes he's gay. He kisses boys, he entertains you with his American idol like pop music. He fakes fellatio on the AMA's...Like TOTALLY GAY.

Why are you freaking out? So he kissed a boy (and he liked it! maybe the other guy tasted like cherry chapstick?) Be more pissed about the fact that his voice sucked, that the song is mediocre and that the performance was all over the place.

Get a grip people, you liked it when Madonna kissed Britney and Christina. Yes, yes I know girls kisses are hot but puh-leeze its 2009 some men like to fuck eachother.

Get the fuck over it. I'm sick of fucking hearing about it.

Oh and P.S. gay community, Adam is not a good representative for you, he was on American Idol and more importantly I think he is an idiot and went the totally wrong way with his album. Just sayin'

I got gaga tickets and you don't

That's right you heard me. I got tickets to Lady Gaga and you didn't. Yes you. I was one of the lucky ones who was able to take over ticketmaster and get a set of tix for the last show in NYC. Or I should say the best show of her entire tour.

So eat it bitches.

I better fucking win

Listen, i'm in second place right now in my fantasy league. I'm winning by 13 points this week. But the guy im going against has Ray Rice going tonight.

I swear to fucking god, if that mother fucker goes off and I lose, someone's gonna get hurt.

Just saying.

Yea this is a mean one

Well not mean, but people might think this is wrong of me. Its about the woman who got her face ripped off by her friends pet chimp.

She is now making all the morning show TV rounds. Oh and Oprah. I think Oprah was first (but of course)

Ahh, how do I say this delicately? Well, there is no quality of life there. At all. No eyes, no face no hands. I saw a picture of her in the NY Post and man I will have nightmares about that for a while. I know I wouldn't want to live like that. I kinda don't think its fair to anyone to live a life like that.

And yes I know there will be people saying, oh well she's alive, blah, blah, your a fucking asshole, blah blah. Yea I am. I don't deny it. But at the end of the day look at a picture of her realize that her daughter will have to take care of her the rest of her life and really think and decide if its worth it.

Cause sometimes, its not.

Why the fuck is she still in the news?

When this poor excuse for a women and pepaw lost the election, I figured I would never, ever, EVER, have to hear that annoying voice again. Or hear her stupid ideas.

Well, apparently I was wrong. (It happens on occaision, hey im human right?)

Why the fuck is this bitch coming out with a book? On Oprah? Why do I have to turn on the news or open up the paper and see this pitbull with lipstick? (oh and btw a pitbull in lipstick is prettier)

People, wake up!! She's like the Paris Hilton of politics. Not worthy of any attention or media.

We all remember the Katie Couric interview, Palin is saying that she was railroaded. By Katie fucking Couric?? Bitch please. You sealed your own fate when you you couldn't come up with ONE FUCKING NEWSPAPER THAT YOU READ.

Not one, not even say the New York Times, Or USA fucking Today that is in every hotel room in the country every morning. Let me list some reading material for you:

NYT, NYP, NYDN, NYO, The Boston (ICK) Globe, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Chicago Tribune, The Miami Hearald, Time Magazine....shall I go on?

And no I didn't have to do any fucking research to list those papers. I know them all, have read them all, and i'd be the last person running for VP of the USA.

You're a backwoods cuntry (pun inteded) class A asshat fucktard. Get the fuck out of the spotlight and be the pussy that you are and hunt from a helicopter.

Wow, that rant felt good. What the fuck have I been doing not posting the last month?? Oh well yea...

I didn't want to come home

Very rarely, well never have I left my sweet little life in Brooklyn on a trip and wasn't happy to come home. Didn't practically kiss the piss infected streets of NYC upon my arrival, or frankly just didn't want to leave a place.

Then this weekend happened. I went to Charlotte, NC. To visit my cousin Mark (what's up MARK?!?!)

Now yes you might say, WTF? really? You didn't want to leave Charlotte? Yea thats right I didn't want to leave.

Why? Well, it was nice. And not nice like a puppy is nice. Nice in the sense that I could live there. Me, the one who would swear up and down I would never leave Brooklyn would live there.

Its clean, its pretty. God damn the air is fucking amazing. And the people, well at least the people I met were fun, cool, dished out no drama whatsoever and just good down to earth people. People that become your friends but are really family.

And fuck its mid November and 75 degrees. I should have brought my bathing suit to work on my tan. You know my skinny ass hates the cold.

So a quick little shout out to everyone I met this weekend: Darryl, Mike, Alex (mmmmmm) and his brother Mike, first Mike's cousin (I forget his name, hey I was wasted Friday night) David (I think that was his name, ha!) Melissa, Camille, everyone I met at Fairview grill. Ya'll are good people, take care of my cousin while i'm gone.

The only drawback? The water, oh jesus christ the water sucks huge dick (and speaking of...well thats a story for another time) I had to boil the water just to drink it, I think they get it from Mexico or something.

And thats the last nice post you will get out of me.

Yea Yea Yea

Yes I know I haven't posted in a while, and for the 2 of you that read this shit, well i'm sorry. But I think I have said before I have been dealing with some shit. And no its none of you business.

But i'm back bitches. So watch out fucktards and asshats. I'm onto you and raring to go.

Hence the picture of the sun, sunny days are here again for me, which mean a rain of my wrath is gonna fall down upon you.

I want a fucking pony.

Ok, this has been on my mind for a while.

I want a fucking pony.

My bestie (who will remain nameless) who is my cousin (who will remain nameless) is have a baby wedding (read = christening for her first born) 

Now I am going to skip the whole god/religion bit and go straight to:

WHY IS THERE NO FUCKING PONY?!?!?!?!

There is a D.J. 

There are CLOWNS

There is FACE PAINTING

There is a dinner that is set up like a WEDDING

Where is my PONY?

I don't ask for much. But I would like a pony,

Now J, you can be mad, but at least there are no pictures to this post. Hey we are family, you are used to my hijinks. And he is my nephew (not 2nd cousin)

Yes I know I have been told, when he is older, for his birthday there will be a pony. I don't believe that. I think you are lying to me. 

Lying to me, just to keep me quiet.

Didn't work now did it?

Kids are scared of clowns. We want a PONY!!

Yea I know

I haven't posted in forever...

well guess what? I'm dealing with some heavy duty personal shit. Shit I'd like to talk about but would probably fuck me over at some point.

So to the 9 followers I have....i'm sorry. I got nothing.

how fucking sad is that.

Im not on perez, or dlisted, reading the paper, etc I have no fucking clue what is going on in the world. Hell NYC could be bombed while Im in it and I wouldn't know it.

Maybe I should grow some bigger balls and talk about it huh? 

If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.

I'll tell ya

I haven't watched SNL for years (if you don't know what SNL stands for you're a fucktard) because it pretty much sucks. But I was with friends last night (Whats up Vanessa!?!?!) and we watched it a bit.

Pretty fucking funny I tell ya, though its probably only because there was a Samberg skit and Madonna was on.

Oh and Lady Gaga, pretty fucking blazing performance. Check it out on you tube, and yea i'm too fucking lazy to link the video to this post.

This is just too easy

This is the cover of the deflated erection calendar. I don't know about you but I am totally going to go with this one over the usual NYC fireman calendar.

Me personally, I prefer the company of deprived, woman hating, wish I had a penis thinking women when I am marking birthdays on my calendar. Don't you?

Though Man Coulter doesn't wish for a penis as she already has one.

What the fuck is this???

Now, you all know how I feel about crocs. I have mentioned my hate for these hideous creations a few times. But now I have been made aware about these.

Croc shoes with heels??? Are you people kidding me?? These shoes above are hideous. Disgusting, gross, ugly, need I say more?

Anyone wearing these should be shot on site.

Why????

Do not. I repeat do not click the link for crocs advertising on my page.

I can not approve anyone anywhere looking to buy crocs.

If you are on this blog and want crocs....GET OFF NOW

Shout out to Mary!!!

check my girls link out

http://www.ceceliawestgallery.com/

seriously do. it. now.

hearts my girl.
xx

Yes I know

I have not been good with posting this last week...well you know what people? I have a job. A job that pays my mortgage...

If you all start reading my blog I can then retire on money I earn and blog from home in my p.j.'s (which are pretty sexy btw)

but no your not...reading my blog that is..so you gotta start putting up with sporadic (thats a big word) posts.

in all honesty there is nothing out there at this moment ruffling my feathers right now....plus im kinda tired..what say you alicia?


xoxo blogger girl.

p.s. i'm so over gossip girl this year.

Seriously? WTF?

So I was just reading in AP, (yea i'm smart I read AP) that Sara Palin's new book coming out on November 17th is a best seller in pre orders....

Are you fucking kidding me?? Sara Palin a best seller?? really? Ugh. What are you people thinking? Do you really think she has got something important or smart to say?

What is this book about? Letting your teenage daughter get pregnant because you won't talk about safe sex? Or letting your teenage daughter get pregnant because your an absentee mother and she is acting out? Or about geography? Pitbulls that wear lipstick? Anyone got a good reason she should write a book??

How to succeed in a sham of a marriage? Just asking..I'm curious really To me, there is nothing she has got to say that I haven't heard before (you know from the right wing). Mrs. Palin you are a poor excuse for a woman and really should be shot on site. I think you should be let to run free in the wild and have people hunt you from helicopters...like the wolves you hunt.

Now if this book is about sex scandals on the campaign trail with her and McCain well then I would totally buy this shit.

Oh and FYI, if you are going to pose for a picture in a bikini (with a gun no less) get your body in order. Just saying...

Oh this is too easy

Wanna be Angelina Jolie was asked by Cosmo what scares her to which she replied:

"Every time I go on stage. Instant diarrhea."

Yea of the mouth bitch!

Please shut the fuck up. No one, and I mean no one likes to hear the word "diarrhea"

Just a thought

Don't wear crocs. They are disgusting. They look like plastic clogs which is really, really, truly hideous.

There is a woman that waits for my bus in the morning that wears them, though I think she changes into shoes when she gets into work (I snuck a peek in her bag once and saw heels) and everytime I see her I get disgusted more. Ladies, beauty is pain. More importantly, fashion or looking good is not necessarily comfy. Deal with it. Do not. I repeat do not were crocs.

They are worse than wearing reeboks with socks (you all know what I am talking about). At this point you are a heartbeat away from shoulder pads.

I rock heels 99% of the time. If I switch them out it's for Tory Burch Reva flats or flippy-floppys which I rarely do... pretty much cause I was born wearing heels (hey im short i gotta get some height on you guys!).

I have heard mothers tell me that crocs are good for kids, something about slipping, whatever i stop paying attention when people talk about the positive points on crocs.... I dont have a kid yet so i don't care.....Fine, under the age of ten ONLY. However when I have a kid they are rocking converse. (and no I am NOT a hipster douchbag)

Now I know the chick on the bus is single, and I say its because she is wearing crocs when she walks the streets on NYC. So let me be the first to say crocs = being single. Even men wearing them is gross. They are ugly. Words can not express how much I hate them, or how ugly, horrible, disgusting, etc they are.

I'm sure this post will piss people off

But I really don't care.

So I have been reading in the paper about old people complaining about their social security wages... that they are not getting a cost of living increase. They state reasons like "if the cost of food, etc is going up, my payments should too" or, "I fought in two world wars for the younger generations to survive, I should get a cost of living increase"

blah, blah, blah.

Lemme explain to you older peeps, I am paying for your social security right now and have for the past 15 years as all of my friends have (some of which ever longer). I haven't gotten a cost of living increase, in fact for oh the last two years. So I now should pay more taxes for you?

Lets be realistic, there will be nooooo social security left when I retire cause the baby boomers aren't fucking dying (hello! the retirement age is 65, people aren't dying for atleast 20 years after that) Plus, the cost of living isn't really going up, at all. All my bills are the same. And if I think something is too high, I call the company and threaten to leave them and get a better rate (better rate = lesser bill)

Now, my in-laws aren't complaining about more money in their social security checks, their happy with what they get, why? oh you know cause they were smart and paid off their mortgage and debt before they retired so they are easy living.

If you are over 60 and still have a mortgage and debt, thats fucked up, on your part, not mine or the younger generation. Deal with it like all the rest of us are.

Cause at the end of the day, my bills are higher than yours (or should be) and your pulling in a good amount of money. Especially those that never worked a day in their life but when they hit retirement age they get a social security check because their spouse worked.

get over it, the young guns are in a worse position than you. I know I am, I have a full 30 year mortgage and doubt I will get a raise in the next coming years.

I think I just peed alittle

A list of..

The 15 bands that just sold out. Why have they sold out you ask? Well thats because they are all going to be on the New Moon soundtrack. And don't even act like you don't know what the fuck New Moon is. I can't even go there with you if you don't.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the Twilight Saga, it is a guilty pleasure, however I take offense to these bands selling out to the masses to make money. I mean what fucking 12 year old girl know what the fuck Radiohead is about or BRMC?? NOTHING.

I have bolded the bands I am really, truly disappointed in

* DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE — MEET ME ON THE EQUINOX
* BAND OF SKULLS — FRIENDS
* THOM YORKE — HEARING DAMAGE
* LYKKE LI — POSSIBILITY
* THE KILLERS — A WHITE DEMON LOVE SONG (Though they have sucked after the first album)
* ANYA MARINA — SATELLITE HEART
* MUSE — I BELONG TO YOU (NEW MOON)
* BON IVER & ST. VINCENT — ROSYLN
* BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB — DONE ALL WRONG
* HURRICANE BELLS — MONSTERS
* SEA WOLF — THE VIOLET HOUR
* OK GO — SHOOTING THE MOON
* GRIZZLY BEAR — SLOW LIFE
* EDITORS — NO SOUND BUT THE WIND
* ALEXANDRE DESPLAT — NEW MOON (THE MEADOW)

I knew this show was going to be amazing

It has been announced on this great day that Amanda Woodward (read = Heather Locklear) will be seen on the new Melrose Place! eeeee!!! She is definitely gonig to be on teh November 17th episode, but we dont know yet if it is recurring or not.

It fucking better be recurring! That bitch better be the guest star the entire series!

The moment you've all been waiting for.

Someone just asked me "hey when is your Emmy posting going up?" Sorry guys for the delay. Here it is:

I didn't watch the Emmy's because watching the Emmy's is for pussies. Plus they are boring and suck.

I was watching The Giants vs Cowboys game. Here's the recap:

The Giants kicked ass!!!

Who Knew?

Apparently there is a Halal Mafia?

Thats fucking crazy! And to make matters worse first blood has been drawn!

Why are there so many Halal street carts? And who is eating this food? Ever wonder where they wash their hands or go to the bathroom?? hmmm? In that yummy lamb and rice.

Seriously? This can't be real

Apparently someone was stalking Ryan Seacrest this week? Um really? Is this a true story or made up in fantasy land?

The story goes like this, earlier this week, the elf (elf = ryan) was approached by a man for an autograph outside a hospital in the OC. Ryan being the gentle midget he is, gave him an autograph but that wasn't enough. The guy followed lil' Seacrest and his security team to his car and then their was an argument and blah blah blah

The full story is boring me. The purpose to this post is this:

- WHY WOULD ANYONE STALK THIS GUY???

- WHY DOES HE HAVE A SECURITY TEAM???

oh I know cause he's tiny tim right?

p.s. since this will probably be my only post about this guy, let me say this: He's Gay.

Just more proof that babies are taking over the world

Everyone is having babies. Babies!!!!!!!! ugh. They are taking over the world. Everywhere I look there are babies and their older counterparts (read = children) running around like maniacs all all over god's green earth getting in my way.

Anybabyway these two are pregnant now, you know Mcsteamy and his noxema wife.

She's just not that into him

I was reading on another site (AOL to be exact) an interview with Charlize Theron.

This is what she says:

You've said that you and Stuart won't marry until gays are also granted the right to marriage. Are you planning to stick to that?
I do. I think if we ever have children, I would want my children to look at that as an example of choice and how important that is to live your life and not just talk, because talk is cheap. But to live your life in a way that really speaks volumes to what you believe in. I've already once lived in a country where certain people got certain things and certain people didn't, and I refuse to live in another country that does that. I will not take part in a ceremony that right now is not available to everybody.

I just think after 8 years she's just not that into him and is waiting for something better to come along. I mean, I married my man after 5 years and didn't say "no, because gays can't get married" Also, is she just saying that because that is a big hot topic now?

Listen i am ALL for gay rights. I truly am, what the fuck do I care who anyone wants to marry? None actually. I have plenty of gay boyfriends that will back me up. If you truly love someone and want to be with them forever and ever and have babies within the white picket fence, you do it no matter what else is going on in the world.

Why? because I said so. But seriously, if you love someone enough that you can't breath without them you marry them no matter what. You do not just hang around with them for Eight... long....years.....

So Stuart, I think its time to find someone that wants to marry you for you, and not a political statment.

what say you? feel free to post in the comments...and if I disagree I will totally delete them. Yes this is america, but I run a communist regime on this blog.

This really pisses me off

Lots of things piss me off. Fat people, one uppers, assholes, homophobes, rain, cold, working, you get the gist of it.

But this shit here really really makes me mad. Like violent mad.

I'm sure you all have heard about the freshman girl from Hofstra who filed a police report saying she was gang raped by 5 men on campus. Well now its come out that she is a LIAR. And well a WHORE.

She had claimed that the men, one of which was a Hofstra student, took her cell phone at an on-campus nightclub and lured her into a dormitory men's room and then gang raped (or gang sexually assaulted whatever that means) on Sunday night.

Well now last night she said it was consensual.

This is fucked up on soooo many levels. These guys always no matter what, will be seen as rapists to anyone who remembers this story. Or people will say: there wasn't enough evidence, they threatened her to recant... Lastly and more importantly, false rape claims make it that much harder for women that were actually raped to win their battles in court.

Listen, we're all adults, if you want to fuck 5 guys in a sitting thats fine with me, and most people, sure we will call you a slut behind your back and to your face (well I would), but if you are old enough to have sex you are then old enough to deal with the ramifications.

Oh your embarrassed because you are a little slutty the first week of college? Get over it, who isn't. Fuck those guys and turn around and say, "yea I gang banged so what? I'm still getting my masters in mathematics what do you care?" Not "oh shit every one knows I'm a slut I am going to cry rape."

Those guys could have gotten 10 years or more in prison, that is fucked up. I'm glad you finally came out of your haze and realized you are more a douche than Kanye but its not enough.

I wish I knew your name or what you looked like so I could post it here. You should hold a press conference and apologize on national TV for being a whore and crying wolf so everyone knows who you are.

I am a firm believer in an eye for an eye. If you rape someone you should be raped numerous times and have your dick cut off. If you file a false rape claim, well then again you should be raped to know how it truly fucking feels.

Whoever you are, you're an asshole and deserve to be treated as such.

This makes me feel old

Remember Sondra from "The Cosby Show"? yea well she is 51. Are you reading this clearly? She is fucking fifty-one! God that makes me feel old. Well at least she looks good.

Damn she actually looks like she is in her thirties...shit...that actually makes me feel worse

Pretty Bizarre indeed

The telegraph has posted a list of the 20 most bizarre Craiglist advertisments of all time (so far)

Here is the full list

This is my favorite based on the enthusiasm alone:

Need someone to hide easter eggs in my apartment when im not home
"I need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when i am not there ! They are small and filled with candy! I would like to find them myself on sunday! I am willing to pay! Serious inquiries only!"

Serious inquiries only people! Now most people would rob this person blind. Me I would just eat all the candy in the eggs...what kind of candy do you think are in the eggs??? hmmmm I want candy! Ooooh I have M&M's in my drawer. SCORE!!!

Just Saying..

ITS 4:20!!!!!! ENJOY!!

La Sigh

This will be my only post on La Lohan. Unless she dies.

Mizz Lohan twatted today (or yesterday who cares) the following:

"Hahahaha my publicist just called me & said she heard I was in a psych ward!!!! Hahaha WHAT IS WRONG with people???? I'm working lol."

"BUT that's one I've NEVER heard about myself before! New ones r always interesting huh? There's SO much more going on in the world! Wake up."

Really? You need to be in a psych ward!! Do you think people give a shit anymore if you are alive or dead? Puh-leazze sleaze. You are any and all of the following: white trash, whore, slut, dirty, bad actor, horrendous singer, addict, alcoholic, bi polar, fake lesbian, a horrible horrible dresser that has no business being in a Fashion house, shall I go on?

When was the last time you actually worked? Don't you get it? you're what? 22, 23 and you are a has been, a HASBEEN! you have pass rock bottom, you.are.a.JOKE. You are so far gone truly no one cares. Hell even your lezzy lover doesn't care.

The only ones that might care are your trashtastic parents, and that's only for your money. Those two fucked you up good (however you had to know it was going to happen you are from Long Island) and at this point are thinking you are too out of it to notice all of the money they are taking from your checking account (not theirs, yours).

The last good movie you were in was what? The parent trap? (I didn't see mean girls so you know can't say it was that) you could have been in The Hangover but you passed on that just like I pass on holy communion...so now its either straight to video or porn. I thinking porn will start up right after Christmas. Lets start the new year off right.

Listen you need to check your head go back to rehab, get cleaned up. Emancipate yourself from your parents get a good team around you and come back in a year new and improved and start all over again.

If not, I expect you to fall off the face of the Earth in 3...2...1....

Soooo Tacky.

I think its tacky to post about yourself on your own blog like your the fucking star Perez

Breaking News!

Just found out Ann Curry is interviewing right now Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (you know the antichrist?) for an NBC Nightly News special I think part of Nightly News..oh who cares what program its on i'm sure they will advertise this shit to death.

Personally im not going to watch, I don't care for either of these two. And frankly egotistical pieces of shit like Ahmedinejad should not get any time on our TV stations. Hell he should be shot the moment he steps foot our soil.

Thought the reason for this post is: Do you think Ann Curry will molest Ahmadinejad's face like she did with Brad Pitt???? I sure hope so.

Really???

Ugh. I just realized I started a post with the title: Really??? I once got an email from a friend with that as the subject line.... long story short I am NOT speaking to her anymore. And frankly I never liked her (you really think you can start a fight with me over email and win?? I think not)

Anybipolarcrazyladyway remind me to never do that again (title a post with Really??? again)

However I say Really??? because douche Jon Gosselin, almost ex husband of cunty Kate is sending their two German Shepherd's back to the breeder. Why you animal lovers ask? Well because these two are a fucked up reality show couple. But also because Jon is blaming Kate as supposedly Kate won't take care of them when he's not at the house.

See now, I don't watch the show. I maybe seen a spot here and there on the soup, and from there I know they never liked or more importantly loved eachother but they do love the spotlight. So douchemanjon is now getting publicity sending his children's beloved dogs back. Jon, let me be the first to say it (or the millionth, I lost count) YOU.ARE.A.FUCKING.ASSHOLE. You don't care about you children, the mother of your children or more importantly DOGS.

How does one raise a dog and then send it back to the breeder?!?!?! Someone obviously who does not care about anything but himself. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT send back grown dogs to a breeder, what kind of life will they have if someone doesn't rescue them immediately? A life worse than you with Kate. I heard you wanted to kill yourself earlier today. You should. Get busy dying, cause we (well me) don't want you on this earth anymore.

image via this stupid site

YAY!!!!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Daily/Colbert - Keyboard Cat
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

I knew there was a reason to wake up today!

Colbert and Stewart are back from summer vacay with new episodes!!!

YAY! policital parody

Oh p.s. when I wake up tomorrow, it better fucking be friday.

Oh no Oh no Oh no

I just had two Megan Fox posts one right after the other. Shit Shit Shit. I need a new post.....Just to break it up and for my sanity...

Anyone see the Marc Jacobs show this fashion week? Its much worse than the ad....check it out here...

and if you like it shoot yourself in the head twice. One for you and one for me. Seriously, if I see anyone wearing anything from this show on the streets of NYC, I will stop you where you stand and berate you until you cry for mommy.

Here we go again.

Im thinking this Jennifer's Body movie is pretty damn shitty if the star is now resorting to doing interviews and talking about how she cut herself. Can she just zip her lips? See Megan, Angelina Jolie you are not, actually you will never be her. Yes people compare the two of you, the tattoos, the dark hair, the sometimes lezzy action, being out and out gorgeous. But you will NEVER EVER be HER. Now im not the biggest fan of that homewrecking whore but she is a better actor than you. If your interested, this is what she said to rolling stone:

"Yeah, but I don't want to elaborate. I would never call myself a cutter. Girls go through different phases when they’re growing up, when they’re miserable and do different things, whether it’s an eating disorder or they dabble in cutting."

Keep this up chica and you will be douchette of the week next week.

Oh and p.s. if I ever see you on the street I will attempt to cut off your arm that has that stupid fucking Marilyn Monroe tattoo on you. You are not worthy of the greatness that is Ms. Monroe.

Is she hot enough to put up with psycho behavior?

She has got to be fucking kidding me with this verbal diarrhea disease she has. Does she have a movie out to promote? Can't she fucking talk about the movie?

In the October issue of Rolling Stone Megan Fox talks about her relationship with Brian Austin Green.

"My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.'

I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure."

Oh Thank God

This ridiculous smoking ban in parks and beaches will not happen..I mean seriously the cops dont have the time to write all of those tickets anyway...what would happen to their donut eating time?

I think Katie Might Disagree

Tommy girl was on Jay Leno last night. In which Leno asked him boring questions via a satellite link from the Massachusetts set of his new movie.

Except when Leno asked him if he was better at flying or sex.

Tommy girl had this to say: “I try to excel in all areas and I’ve never been asked for a refund. (Having sex with me) is like flying.”

really? i don't believe that for an instant, have you seen Katie recently? Shes sooo not have flying high sex.

The only was sex with him is like flying is if the person he is having sex with is Xenu, John Travolta or any guy and even then since he is a bottom he would be the one flying not them.

Chin Twins

If these two had a kid, could you imagine the chin it would have?!?!

image via wenn

Check it

I find myself constantly asking this question (to other people)

Well isn't this surprising

According to the gothamist A Bronx cop named Marc Rios s accused of assaulting a man outside a Kingsbridge nightclub around 4:20 a.m. on March 30th. Apparently he hi him in the face with a baton breaking both the guys cheekbones and baton. Read the fancy article here.

I really don't care about this story it just proves my point once again the cops can be put in one of the following categories:

- Douchebags with power
- Bullies with power
- fat lazy assholes with power

and dont even get me started with the joke that is called meter maids.

Though I really love that this all happened at 4:20